The Gypsy Within

Winter Wonderland or Black Hole?

2010-12-31T17:53:00.002-05:00

I know that winter can be a wonderland of sorts, sometimes full of beautiful snow or the twinkling of white lights. I've had those kinds of winters, but this year winter has been unusually dark for me. I don't mean in the literal sense, although that is a fact of the season...no - I mean inside my head and heart. And anyone that knows me will tell you that's unusual. I pride myself on being a bit of a Pollyanna of sorts, always seeing the bright side of things - admittedly often feeling really connected to God/source/spirit and sensing the perfection of the big picture even when I may not have it in sight. I like that Sara. Sigh. She's not been around as much lately.

Instead I've been plagued with financial worries, to the point of choosing between paying my bills and having gas and food. Ug, it's been a LONG time since I've stood in these particular shoes and quite frankly they pinch. Let me be clear, I'm not sharing this for pity or donations - quite the opposite, its been something I've been hiding from most. But being the transparent person that I am, by not sharing anything - I felt as though I'd been flat out lying and that hasn't felt good either. Plus, I felt like a total failure. How can someone who spouts the immense power of one's own mind to influence circumstances let herself get to this point? Shouldn't someone who's long been aware of the concept that "thoughts become things" and even lived it first hand have a better grasp on how to turn things around in a flash? Needless to say, I've been enjoying a heaping helping of self loathing as a side dish to the already full plate of worry that I'd been feeding myself. (Interestingly enough, you'd be surprised how good they taste.)

Oh sure, I'd get myself up for a little bit - finding ways to get back to that big picture...to that internal knowing that I'm cared for and everything will be alright. But then I'd be at the grocery buying my rice and tuna, see something I wanted and the thoughts of not having enough money would come rushing back in. And just for the record, I'm not talking about extravagant things - more like body wash (which isn't as important to me as food when I have a full body of hand soap that will work just fine)...or even just a coke (who needs that when water is free). Yuck.

Now, as a Libra I tend to waffle when not in a confident place, so in addition to my horrible mental diet I was also experiencing vertigo of sorts with all the thoughts flip flopping around my head like...

me: "Ah-ha! This is your own self fulfilling prophecy since you put out to the universe more than once the idea that you'd get down to your last $50 before the business would start bringing in money."

other me: "Oh yeah? If that was true then how come I've been down to my last $50 multiple times and if it hadn't been for generous family members willing to cover immediate needs along the way, well - let's just say my living arrangements would be significantly different."

me: "Don't worry, just don't give in - you have to show the universe that you have total faith - so keep acting 'as-if' and things will catch up to meet you."

other me: "Girlfriend, it is time to get a friggin job...how about Raising Cane's - love the company, love the food, and can probably be able to eat for free when on the clock!"

Oh the voices! In essence, it seems as though my core beliefs and even the conviction behind my business endeavor has been tested at every turn. Not fun. An important part of the transformation process going on? Maybe, but still not fun. What did I do wrong? I mean, geeze - I started my 6 month marketing class in July, hired a product specialist in September, have leveraged multiple accountability partners, had gone to a couple of business seminars (and realized I had some fear issues) and so on. Yet as the end of the year approached there was no website, no business cards, no facebook page, no list to send my newsletter to and certainly no sales. Ug...shall I go back and double check that I'm doing all the steps? I was exhausted, sleeping longer and the only way I was engaged with my life was to worry about it all.

Then I heard someone say, "Don't give into the illusion" and for whatever reason - that spun me around in a split second. It reminded me that I don't have to give in to others' expectations of what I should or have to do in order to be successful. It also reminded me of one of my own core beliefs, that we're not just human beings here for a random experience and then *poof* its over. These reminders helped me reconnect to the ideas that:

I don't have to have it all figured out, just have to listen to and follow where spirit leads me
I don't have to have a big list of followers to start selling
I don't have to have line of sight to all the things I want, just clarity and faith

That's right damnit, I get to pick my story (what I believe and accept)! So while I have certainly done my fair share of floundering, I am very proud that I have not given up nor changed my beliefs to accommodate this recent challenge. Which leads me to...drum roll...the good news about this dark black hole!

I have asked for help like nobody's business...a bit of a first when it comes to such substantial requests - AND I've gotten good at accepting help (keep reminding myself that people feel good when they give, so how dare I take that away from them).
I was able to manifest a trip to NYC to visit friends and another to DC to attend a business event by putting it out there that I wanted to go but didn't have the funds myself (insert generous friend for the first trip and unexpected free ticket for the 2nd - plus another generous friend that housed and fed me while there).
I've asked myself some really big questions, like "If this is so important to you, why do you keep putting up obstacles like having to have a website or business cards before you start sharing what you're doing? What are you afraid of?" Good ones, don't you think? More importantly, I finally got real with myself and actually thought about and answered them. (Amazing how liberating that was. Once I said it out loud, I finally felt I could start to do something about it!)
I'm finding my way back to what I know to be true...

I attract what I focus my thoughts and feelings on. It's a vicious cycle really. If you've ever known someone that always seems to have bad luck, they're in that cycle. Same thing for people who always appear to have great luck all the time. That's why I've always gotten what I wanted. Even when things weren't so 'easy' - in hindsight I can see how they always led me to what I wanted. Which is why I think it took me so long to recognize what was happening lately and by not seeing it for what it, was I couldn't make any course corrections. Until now!

I can redirect and control my thoughts. Again, while I knew this logically I just didn't realize what was happening...that I allowed my thoughts to go down the drain lately and the centrifugal force was strong enough that it took me down with them and brought me plenty more of the same! (To be clear, I haven't been stewing in doom and gloom - but if you were able to weigh my thoughts, the negative vs. positive ones, the negative ones were more frequent and literally came with a heavier feeling. Hmmm, maybe that's where the saying "carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders" comes from.) So when one a negative thought came up, I would talk to it out loud (somehow that made it stronger than the piddly little thought) and ask myself questions that redirected my thinking.

Nobody can make me feel bad except me. This was usually the feedback I got from my mother after having poked my sister and defended myself by saying she made me mad: "Your sister can't MAKE you do or feel anything Sara." It's much easier to understand this as an adult and yet so few people really grasp that how we feel is a choice. Think about it...we have the ability to change how we feel and if we can change them, we control them, and if we control them we can choose them. If you doubt that you can change how you feel, consider this...you and I are in a car driving down the road together; it's a beautiful day and we're just having a great'ole time; then we spot an animal that was recently hit by a car and is dead on the side of the road. You could choose to feel bad, thinking of how it happened and wondering if it's a momma with little babies somewhere. I on the other hand could choose to feel neutral, remembering that I believe everything is part of spirit...that spirit is made of only good...therefore while I may not understand the big picture this too must be good in some way. Hence, we can choose how we feel and if we aren't up to that advance level we can always put on some music that lifts our spirits, or stand up, smile, and clap our hands, or write in a gratitude journal, etc., etc.

I have everything I need inside...meaning my answers, my future clients, money for my bills and everything else I need right now can be accessed if I get quiet and let spirit move through me. I'd lost my way and have been working overtime trying to force the how's (I need this book to find my answers, I need a list of contacts to find my clients, I need so-and-so's check to pay my bills). Instead I just need to be clear in my mind with what I want and then let go and listen. I could also say it differently, like "Where there's a will, there's a way." or "Take off your blinders." or "Get out of the box." They're all talking about finding a new perspective and insinuate that by looking at it differently we can find that new perspective and change things for the better. In my mind that ties directly to my belief that everything is part of spirit...that at a sub-atomic level, everything is made of the same energy and its just the vibration that determines how the matter gets put together...which means I am connected to everything that is - to spirit - to the omnipotent...that should I allow it, a new perspective could come to mind through spirit. So how could I not have what I need? Oh I have it alright...just gotta turn off the voice of the other me to hear it ;)

Reunited with my truths, I had the first normal day in a long time...and then another and another (we're up to 3!). Boy oh boy oh boy has that ever felt good! I've been waking up happy, feeling lighter, and looking forward to good things coming to pass. On my first good day I had such a good visualization session going on that I went with it for 45 minutes! Then I happily made some lists of things I needed to take care of, I didn't get crazy mad when the boys barked at a cat passing by, and I even went to Panera Bread to work and didn't have issues when I went to order something (instead of freaking on the money, I approached it with my ability to choose - I could choose a full meal and spend more money if I wanted to, but really just wanted a drink with caffeine to get me going). If that wasn't enough for day one, that evening I got a call from so-and-so (who's large check I've been waiting for with great angst and who I had chosen not to call them because it seemed like an act of desperation yet again and I was done with feeling that way) - and they reported having looked into the situation and expected it to be resolved within a couple of days. Great. Awesome if it is, and fine if its not (still hasn't as of writing this, but I still don't care because I know in the grand scheme of things I'll still be okay). Ahhhhh, finally I'm feeling comforted by my thoughts instead of trapped by them. Somehow my thoughts had become totally disconnected from my beliefs, but now that they've been patched back together I'm firing on all cylinders again. Woohoo!!!

So while winter certainly started in a black hole, I have managed to find my way by lighting a candle and as everyone knows, darkness cannot exist where there is light.

Wishing you light,

Sara

Who are you deep inside?

2010-12-19T20:33:00.001-05:00

I have a secret. I'm not who you think I am. There is so much more to me than I've ever exposed to anyone...even to myself. True, I have a lot of similar characteristics to this other woman I speak of. Still, it brings tears to my eyes as I contemplate the greatness that seems locked inside, for I'm not convinced I can find the right key to set her free. I get glimpses of her now and again, which equally comforts and frustrates me. At times I remain in awe of her and then I look in the mirror and wonder where she went. As such, it's hard to articulate her in full but I sense a profoundness underneath this exterior. I see bits of pure love where no judgement exists for anyone else nor herself...where she embodies her personal values at a such a level I can only relate it to that which I've seen in movies. She has an incredible depth of knowledge, confidence, ability, and grace. I love her. I admire her. I aspire to be her. And yet here is the quandary - I am her already. She is me, I am her, we are one. I heard a powerful insight recently that I instantly knew it to be true and it scared me. It goes something like this...

We come from spirit, therefore we are connected to all that is, was and will be.
So it holds true that we arrived as a perfect and complete being.
The only thing that holds us back is our awareness.
Our awareness expands with every year of life and new set of experiences, which slowly reveals ourselves to us in a way that our human perspective considers "learned" growth (very logical).
Yet, as a spiritual being I had it all the time. I just wasn't aware of it.

This means I am the the person I get fleeting glimpses of...I possess a deep well of knowledge, confidence, ability and grace - should I allow my awareness to bring it into view. That feels like the million dollar question. Do I have to accumulate, achieve, and receive the accolades of the mature me before I can acknowledge her...or by seeing myself for what I am will I be able to accumulate, achieve, and receive accolades? Further more - is that what my more evolved self would even care about?

I am sincerely intrigued with the idea of letting this "woman" as I see her loose. What wouldn't we all give to have the knowing we do right this moment in our 20s? And are we willing to give that in order to expedite our current internal wisdom of sorts so that we can have our future perspective now? I imagine my life would turn upside down in all the right ways if I have my 50-something year old mind in my current late 30-something year old body and life! What would I say different, do different or think different? Would I have more zest for life, be more honest with myself and others, would I even give a shit about what anyone else thinks?

So my secret is out. I'm not who you think I am. There is so much more to expose, both to myself and anyone out there listening. With a deep breath and loving heart I invite her to come out and play...to help me live my possibilities to their fullest.

I invite you to do the same, maybe our inner selves would like to play together :)

Law of Attraction = Taking Responsibility for Your Circumstances

2010-05-29T17:25:00.002-04:00

A lot of time people hear the term "law of attraction" and immediately relate it to The Secret and/or manifesting riches. That's all well and good, but what often is missed is that the "law of attraction" gives credence to the idea that you are fully responsible for the circumstances in your life. Of course we like to hear that when things are good because it feels like a pat on the back. We don't like it as much when things aren't going well...when we're continually sick, or have a boss that just doesn't get it, or can't catch a break from the avalanche of errands, or are making mental lists of what will get paid with the next paycheck...who wants to take the blame for that? Sorry, there's no way to take the sting out of it - those circumstances were brought about by you.

But, but, but...but I can't control how my boss treats me...but I can't help it if there's a lot going on in my life right now...but I don't want to be sick and didn't ask for it...but I really don't have the money to pay those bills. I understand your initial reaction, but hear me out.

In essence, those worrisome thoughts that we let play over and over in our minds have just as much power as any other thought. What's worse is that the more emotionally charged we feel about something, the more power those thoughts are given. And isn't it sooooooo much easier to get emotionally wrapped up in a current obstacle that is "real" instead of a dream scenario that we are just "hoping" for? Yeah, I know...me too ;) The important part to get out of it is that it all has to do with the Law of Attraction because regardless of what it is, the fact is we are responsible for what we bring into our lives.

So what the heck can you do about it? I think it all boils down to awareness. Until we accept responsibility and pay attention to our thoughts - we can't change a thing. After all, if you don't believe you have any control over your life - don't bother trying any law of attraction technique because it won't work. Once we make that shift though, then we just need to be honest with ourselves and try for a better alternative. So, if you can conceive that these ideas make sense but can't remember to be cognizant of how you feel or what you're self talk sounds like - don't move forward until you have that part down. However, if you agree this concept has merit and have identified an area that you believe you can improve on then you have the ability to use the power that's inherit within you to make a significant change in your life. Woo-hoo!

Awareness is the first step. The next step is counteracting that negative little voice in your head. More on that another time...

Our Beliefs Shape Our Lives

2010-03-03T08:30:00.002-05:00

Once upon a time the world believed the Earth to be at the center of the universe. Once upon a time the world believed the Earth to be flat. Not long ago, many believed Neil Armstrong was part of an elaborate hoax. Those were strongly held beliefs that impacted so many aspects in people's lives. It impacted their religion, mathematics, science, travel and a host of other things neither they nor I even realize. Beliefs define the limitations in which we live our lives.

No doubt you've experienced or witnessed beliefs coming into play yourself. The person who believes they'll never get a break doesn't. The person that thinks of themselves as lucky usually is. The person with the confidence seems to get everything they want, while the person who is full of self loathing is only left wondering what's wrong with them.

On my quest to find my own answers to some big questions like life purpose and what I want to be when I grow up, I've been reintroduced to some concepts I'd read long ago but didn't fully "get" and stumbled on a few new ones to boot. Some I totally agree with, others I just leave to those who care more than I do...but exposure to all of them are helping me define some of my beliefs.

To that end, I thought it'd be an interesting exercise to clarify my own beliefs. At this point in time, I believe...

my thoughts seriously and significantly influence my reality
I hold some beliefs in my subconscious that don't serve me, but I have the ability to identify and reprogram
I am part of a universal, godlike intelligence that doesn't have set rules or dogma attached to it
I am a spiritual being having a physical experience and not vice versa
everything is made up of energy...from atoms to thoughts...and as such has a vibrational frequency that comes into play (ie: law of attraction)
I am a powerful being capable of incredible things, such as self healing and the manifestation of deep desires
while the universal intelligence seeks to balance all my thoughts and desires along with everyone else's, my sometimes conflicting desires and the infinite requests of all humanity may result in unexpected outcomes
everything is as it should be, sometimes our human limitations make it hard to understand...faith is a good thing
I am here to experience the freedom to explore whatever my heart speaks to (currently traveling the world)
I am here to learn (currently about balancing body, mind, spirit)
I am here to share through example (currently through following dreams and making it public)
there is a tremendous amount I still don't know and may never know

Just for the record, let me state that these are my beliefs and I'm not about to abdicate they should be yours. In all that I've looked at I feel confident that there are many varieties of the same thing, alternative ways to describe the same thing regardless of religious or agnostic backgrounds. And quite frankly, beliefs are like emotions - very real for the person holding them regardless of what you suspect otherwise. That said, I do hope reading this stirs something within you to consider what your truths are and to know that there are indeed many possibilities for you to pick from.

Body, Mind, Spirt...Acupuncturist

2010-02-26T22:09:00.002-05:00

There's lots of information out there about how our body, mind, and spirit is connected. It's bee proven in many ways by many people, no doubt you've experienced it on some level. Like when you're so stressed or nervous you feel it in your stomach (mind/body), or when you were inspired and had a burst of of creativity (spirit/mind), or how wonderful you felt after a great first date or church sermon (spirit/body).

This is an accepted idea in general terms by most of our society, which is cool - but there's a deeper level. For example, there is a large community that believes our bodies manifest certain physical ailments that reflect our mental state. Louise Hay is an expert in this field, a metaphysical teacher and lecturer who helps people discover their power and ability to heal themselves with more than 40 million books sold in the last 25 years.

In my quest to heal my wrists, I bought a couple of her books. Turns out that wrist issues typically represent lack of movement and ease. Considering this all started in February, just as I was starting to consider major life changes - it sort of made sense to me. After all, while I can dominate things that I'm familiar with - its the uncertainty of new things that can throw me for a loop. Hmmmmm....very interesting.

That's not to say that by working on getting comfortable with my new life in my head, I'll automatically be pain free. I know, that may be confusing based on Louise Hay's work...but I am a stickler for personal beliefs and if you don't believe it, its much less likely to come to fruition. So - while I do believe its possible to heal yourself using mind over matter...I don't believe that I'm over that uncomfortable and uneasy place just yet. However - I do believe I'm well on my way and that in the very near future I'll have gotten clear on what I want and how to go about it, that I'll be in a routine of sorts, and that I'll wake up one day and realize I haven't had to ice or heat my wrists...that I'm out of my anti-inflammatory herbs...and that it's all good.

In the meantime, while we were hanging out in San Diego for 4 weeks...I elected to get some help with the physical realm by hiring a acupuncturist with chinese herb expertise. Wow. It was a totally different experience I'd had from other acupuncturists in that there was in fact some pain involved. But I loved that this guy took time to understand root causes, as well as both the mental and physical aspects. (If anyone in that area has a need I highly recommend Eyton - his site is http://www.bodymindwellnesscenter.com) He educated me all the way through and I learned a lot...like:

- the chinese believe the lungs are the organ associated with grief...the energy meridians that end up coming down the arm into the wrist, actually run through the lungs...and it was February when my divorce was legally finalized

- there was a tremendous amount of tension locked up in my fore arms, neck, and shoulder blades (always knew I carried tension in my shoulders, but didn't put together the idea that a block there would impact how much energy could flow down my arms)

- all that hubub about ergonomics is so much more important than I realized...and as a mobile laptop worker who'd ignored it for so long, I am paying for it but now have the opportunity to make significant improvements going forward

- the benefits of stretching, heat, cold, braces and most importantly...asking for help when you need it (a huge, heartfelt thanks to my mom for all her help!)

So he worked on the connective tissue around my thumbs, wrists, forearms and I would hobble back to the RV and spend the night unable to use my appendages until the next day. He said it was like needling clay, which is of course not good. As time went buy, that clay turned into mud and in some areas started to wash away. Unfortunately there was a lot of damage already done and too soon it was time to go. I look forward to stopping somewhere long enough to engage another acupuncture expert in April.

Until then I will leverage my physical body, conscious mind, and spiritual heart to continue to move forward toward healthy wrists. That includes being grateful for what they do for me...loving and caring for them through stretching, massage, heat, and taking anti-inflammatory herbs...protecting them by wearing braces as needed, not overexerting them, and accepting help. They've seemed to get significantly better week after week here lately - so clearly I'm on the right path!!!

Visit to the Agape Center

2010-01-26T11:04:00.002-05:00

On Sunday Dec 27, 2009 my sister and I drove from San Diego to Los Angeles for the very specific purpose of attending a service to hear Dr. Michael Beckwith speak. Some of you may recognize that name from The Secret or The Oprah Show - which is where I've seen him, though I'm sure he's referenced in a slough of other Law of Attraction type resources. When I had seen him before he was always articulate and humble, speaking in laymens terms - which I liked. Once I learned he had a congregation I thought it would be wonderful to see him in action, so put it on my original list of things to do in the initial planning stages of this road trip.

After two hours we made it to the location without issue. The first service was just letting out and parking was still a challenge, so we parked 6 blocks away and decided to hike back instead of relying on the shuttle service (cuz I'm tough like that). Up the hill, across the street and through the parking lots we went before finding the final stairway that would lead us to the Agape Center. As we took the last few steps of the stairs I began to take in all the tents that were set up in front of the building. (Which, by the way was in fact a building - not a standard church.) There were at least 30 tents set up, offering everything from chakra art to information on various church groups to food! Tempting...but since I was expecting to fight thousands for seats, we bypassed the tents and headed right in.

Once inside we found a large L-shaped room with chairs set up (again, not a church so no pews to speak of). Already filling up, we went for the largest empty area in the back and found some seats. It was then that I had time to soak up our surroundings...

Paintings of famous, inspirational figures such as MLK and Ghandi hung on one wall.
Artwork depicting the various religious symbols from around the world hung on other walls.
Colorful strips of fabric framed the stage where the choir sat, wearing their own rainbow of brightly colored tunics.

Then it dawned on me...there weren't thousands of people here, only a few hundred. Huh. Oh...look at that - a movie screen hanging in the front for people to see close ups of the speakers. Or, as I later learned, that was also used to stream live on the internet - for this place was wise to the ways of reaching that expansive audience I was expecting!

Before even seeing the reverend, the choir started things off (the choir director being Mrs. Michael Beckwith, by the way) and got everyone feeling good - especially since the words were put on that movie screen for us to follow. Then I spotted Dr. Beckwith on stage, but he didn't jump into his sermon. Instead he was the emcee of sorts - introducing speakers, thanking them, leading rounds of applause with high 5's and explaining things like prayer vigils (invisible creatures kept in special invisible cages) - demonstrating he clearly has a great sense of humor. He also took time to welcome the newbies (that was us) by asking us to stand while he rattled off a standard welcoming message. What made it different to me was that the congregation repeated his words and were turned around in their chairs smiling at us. It made it real...and personal. It was nice, very touching. As the man covering the events calendar was finishing up, he plugged a new PBS special DVD by Dr. Beckwith...which didn't initially sit well with me, until I later saw pictures of all the community and global projects they work on (and of course need funding for).

Finally it was time for the big sermon and today's theme was "Releasing the Fear of Receiving." I'll never be able to do his words or the way he wove them justice, but here are some key points that stuck out for me:

there's a fear getting what it is we truly want and then being talked about (our society embraces those who toil)
don't settle for mediocrity, instead celebrate others breaking free of it (help shift the limitation mentioned above)
if anyone has ever done it, you can too (this is one way to break free of the belief that its not possible)
while religions can be helpful prisms to see the world through, watch out for those that are prisons (if they say there's only one way, beware...for there are many ways to "God")
be grateful for opportunities b/c they speak to our talents (the Universe offers what is best for us, but it is still our choice whether or not to seize them)
of all the sperm that could've been born - you were! (remember your worth, know you were meant to be, grasp the concept that you are deserving of whatever you want)
understand that being ready to receive means accepting the whole package and that is often why we don't get what we think we want (ie: health = being active, responsibility of caring for body, no excuses not to do things...ie: prosperity = asked for money, family taking your $ for granted...ie: creativity = nothing to complain about b/c can see ways to do anything...ie: excellence = being talked about by others)

Just as I'd hoped, Dr. Beckwith was wonderfully charismatic as he spoke. He shifted his intensity, volume and body position to keep our attention. He balanced the seriousness of the message with humor. He didn't preach at us, but somehow preached with us - confirmed by the nodding heads that would appear like a wave through the crowd. Two and a half hours later we and everyone else were clearly psyched, our energy vibes through the roof and we were ready to take on the world!

It was actually hard to leave. After things came to a close, most people started shuffling out but we stayed to people watch. I saw a lot of friends connect and chat, the choir come down and reunite with their families, the technical people start putting up their tools of the trade. Mostly I just enjoyed the unending feeling of joy and love that was present. It's been a long time since I've been to church and this reminded me why as a teenager during some of our hardest times, I was eager to get up early on the weekend and go - because the message that was delivered usually had some insights for me and that reinforced my faith that I wasn't alone to work it all out. This trip to Agape held similar feelings, but instead of feeling that I was being cared for - I felt the power that was rightfully mine to care for my Self.

Talking to Angels

2010-01-21T21:41:00.003-05:00

I've always believed in guardian angels, it made perfect sense as a kid - I mean it was the ultimate buddy system! So even though I'd long left behind the idea that the God I'd been taught about sat behind a cloud and reigned with any type of fear...and simply resigned myself to the fact that some sort of a higher power existed but didn't really care about the details - I still believed in guardian angels (karma, fate, etc.). I also believed in the power of positive thinking, since that had sustained me through some hardships early on. Sooooo, for the most part my religious beliefs were a combo of of blind faith and good vibes...until 2009.

As my search for deeper truths began, I ran across a class called "Communicating with your Guardian Angels" and for $10 I was totally up for checking it out. Long story short, a man named Francisco Coll started an organization in the 70's to teach the content that this class glossed over. That content, in a nut shell, centered on the idea that our lives are the result of souls that wanted to continue to learn and grow - so elected to incarnate as a human without the full knowledge that would inhibit said growth. Since all souls are seeking unending development, just as you'd expect, and apparently there's more souls than there are humans...some are "assigned" to help a fellow soul on their physical Earthly experience. Ha! The buddy system prevails ;) Only kicker is that since the purpose of the human experience is growth, the guardian souls agreed not to communicate directly and only if asked. (More info can be found at http://www.BalancedLivingInstitute.com/)

Okay - back to my journey! Even before committing to this trip, I followed this class' suggestions and would actively invite my spirit guides (this seems to be a more popular term than guardian angels) to help me. "I hereby invite any and all spirit guides, through divine love, to help me navigate this life so I may live it to the fullest extent." I actually wrote it down on an index card and used it so often I memorized it. Roughly four months later I worked my last day and began preparing for my big trip.

Given the results, the idea of having guardian angels / spirit guides gained a lot of credibility in my eyes. Plus, I started getting chills at non-chilly moments. Know what I mean? The kind of "don't worry, I'm here" sort of chills...they run from my shoulder blades up to the back of my head and back, with a bit radiating down my neck toward my arms. Helloooooo!

Needless to say I was pretty fascinated by all of this, so when Mom started following a blogger that offered Spirit Guide Coaching - we bit and started a six-week course in December. The purpose of the course is to learn how to communicate with my spirit guides (less vague invitations and chills, more specific questions and answers). I'll have to write another post that covers my experiences during that time once we complete it. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!!!!!!

Tesla Lights

2010-01-16T00:42:00.001-05:00

While staying in the Sedona area we connected with a wonderful man who introduced us to something we'd not heard of before (this is the same John I've mentioned before). Something called Tesla Lights. I'm going to make a wild assumption that you haven't heard of these - below is a brief description and you can look up more information at www.teslalightsystems.com:

they're cylindrical devices about a 2 feet tall, 1 foot wide
they create an electron donor system that feeds one's subtle energies
they deliver a full spectrum of ions emanating from noble gas crystal tubes
the technology originated in the 1920s
they have a soothing, relaxing effect on the mind and spirit - so work well with meditation and relieving stress

John has had heart issues since his teenage years but had eventually gotten it under control with meditation, a heightened awareness of his body, and a combination of traditional and alternative medicines. A few months prior to meeting John, he was giving a Sedona tour watching the sun set from the elevated airport area when he started feeling bad enough to make him sit down. One of the ladies on the tour was a nurse, so she checked him out and based on his symptoms said he was having a heart attack and needed to get to the hospital. He realized she was right, but knowing himself as well as he did - opted to use some scented oils he always had on him to help regulate his body and sure enough he was able to get up and walk (but agreed to let someone else drive, lest everyone be a ball of nerves). He went to his medical doctor the next day and it was confirmed he'd suffered a heart attack and I guess based on the already weakened state of his heart - was told he needed some serious help recovering (believe they were talking open heart surgery but not 100% sure). He decided to discuss it with a woman he'd been seeing for alternative healing assistance and together they decided to add the Tesla Lights into his medical regimen. Sure enough, it was enough to keep all pointy objects away (think scapulas) and return to his normal work, social, and motorcycle ride routines exceptionally fast.

After hearing his story and being on the lookout for ways to heal my wrists as well as find clarity with life purpose - we contacted Miss Louise and were able to get squeezed in (she'd just gotten pneumonia and took 3 days off to heal herself). It came down to us going the morning that we were breaking camp and heading out, but we were able to get in so it was all good. We arrived at Miss Louise's apartment and found an old, kind soul. She was 80-something and blind, though sometimes it was hard to tell. After introductions I went first (at her request, I'm not hogging it all) and followed her into a back room where we sat for a little while and talked. It was really easy to talk to her. Maybe because I sensed her wisdom, maybe because I couldn't feel her eyes on me. Either way, I enjoyed the relaxed atmosphere and was excited to see how it'd all play out.

First she had me pick three decks of cards. Not your average 52 card deck mind you, these were more like tarot cards designed to help the person using them explain where they are in life and may want to focus. I'd only done this once before at the horse healing ranch and wasn't terribly impressed...but this time it was different. After picking a card, Miss Louise would have me look it up in the book and read it. The first two times I forgot to read out loud because I was so struck by the accuracy of the card! Then we came to the last one and I couldn't find it in the book and it took her a few seconds before she remembered that was a new pack and a new card had been introduced in it but her old book of explanations was what I was reading from.

ANIMAL CARDS - I picked the blue heron - indicated need to balance myself internally (what the head thought, mouth said, and gut felt)
NATIVE AMERICAN CARDS - I picked the north shield - indicated need to be grateful for inner wisdom (which of course first requires me to stop beating myself up for other things and acknowledge that I do indeed have it)
ARCHETYPE CARDS - I picked the blank archetype - represents unique opportunity to define my own boundaries (whoa - how "on" is that?!)

After the cards Miss Louise explained how the lights worked. She wisely kept the scientific stuff to a minimum and instead demonstrated how my energy could be weakened or strengthened by something as simple as drawing a word on my arm or having me speak a phrase. First she had me stand with my arms stretched out by my shoulders (making a T shape) and tested my strength by telling me to hold my arm up when she pushed down on it. I was easily able to keep my arm up. (Phew!) Then she asked me to say, "I have no strength." while she repeated the exercise and wouldn't you know it - that 80 year old pushed my arm down! But wait, it gets better. Next she silently drew a word on my arm that I couldn't make out and repeat the exercise one more time. This time I had no problem keeping my arm up. Wondering what she wrote? The word EAGLE. Why would that word increase my energy and strength? She said the symbolism is all it took because of how connected I am to all that is and has been. Interesting huh? So, in addition to learning a new trick (albeit based in truth) I also learned that positive and negative energy can affect me whether I give it permission to or not...and that's how the Tesla Lights work (in a way).

Ah-ha! Finally we get to the lights :) Miss Louise reaffirms that the positive ions from the lights will only have good effects, but adds that should I go into the session with one or two intentions - I may get even better results. I'm all for it, so I clarified that I'd like help with decision making and following through (I know, I know...have no idea why I didn't mention my wrists). After all that it was time to lay on the table with one light near my head and the other near my feet. I suppose I was there for 20 or 30 minutes, I'm not sure. One thing I do know is that my entire body got tingly and I felt very light afterwards...something was going on!

Needless to say Mom and I immediately compared notes from our experiences. We both found the cards and discussion with Miss Louise wildly insightful. She really struck us as someone that had lived a long life and once she'd found her own personal spirituality - she found peace and is now happy to help others along their paths. Had we stayed in the area any longer, I'm pretty sure we would've seen her again. Thanks Miss Louise!

Brain Wave Vibration Class

2010-01-09T18:06:00.000-05:00

Needless to say there was lots of interesting body, mind, spirit stuff in the Sedona area. Case in point - our campground was located directly next to a Tao Center. What is a Tao Center you may ask? I wondered the same thing, so went to check it out and found a variation of yoga classes offered for merely donations. I thought, "Cool - been missing my yoga, maybe a class will help get me started again."

I believe it was a Saturday morning that I walked all of 100 feet from our RV to the center. When I arrived I was greeted by the man running the establishment, a 40-something male Korean by the name of Sam. He was a nice guy with a thick accent, so much so that as he was telling me where to go and what to do - I missed the part about not entering the exercise room with my shoes on (oops).

Five other ladies joined us that day, all middle-aged except for one - I later learned she was in her late 70s. Class felt fairly normal as we started with easy to follow moves for getting warmed up, after which I was relieved to find us doing some yoga positions I already knew. Moving around felt good and I was glad I decided to go...until the beating started. Ha, ha - not that kind of beating. Turns out this was a "brain wave vibration class" that involved cupping your hands or forming a loose fist and lightly tapping your lower abdomen (or pounding if you really got into it with all the drum music that started up). Yeah...that was weird, but when in Rome! So here I am feeling awkward and uncoordinated...trying to find my rhythm, eyes closed, drum music blaring, arms starting to hurt (we "tapped" 1,000 times). Being the youngest of the group, I couldn't allow myself to be outdone by a 70+ year old so I stuck it out, but boy was I happy when we stopped!

After class Sam invited us to have some hot tea with him. Everyone else did, so I went along with it (sidenote: I'm not a big fan of hot tea but managed to be polite and eventually get it all down). Once again - glad I did because that's when I got to chat with the ladies and hear their take on all this craziness. For the most part they'd all been coming three months or more and all enjoyed it (with the exception of one lady who said she'd been in a recent car accident and clearly didn't enjoy the end of the class when we each laid down and everyone "tapped" us along our backs and legs). The 70+ year old said she'd been coming for almost a year and had seen wonderful results in being more flexible, healthy, energized, etc. She even admitted to getting one of those little trampolines so she could bounce while "tapping" at home. Which led to the discovery that Sam assigned everyone homework that slowly ramped up how many times they "tapped" at home (along with a general explanation about it). Of course his explanation was a little hard to understand, so I got on the website and put it together with what he'd said and came up with:

this is called Dahn Yoga, which was started in 1980 by IIchi Lee in Kore
it somehow follows old traditional methods from their culture/spirituality and IIchi Lee wants to share it with the world
brain education is an important aspect of this yoga; there are 5 levels to go through to become an expert; the yoga helps by harnessing the power of the brain
the "tapping" of the body creates a vibration in the body that changes the vibrations in the brain so they resonate properly with the rest of your bodily functions
the idea is that through these rhythms you'll release tension and create a calm, meditative state

Huh. Interesting. Being into metaphysical type stuff, I sort of get where they're going (though it doesn't all seem to jive). I actually went back for a Chi Healing session in which Sam found my heart and sacral chakras to be blocked and worked to release them. I've since heard similar info about my sacral chakra and as for the heart chakra, well you may not believe this but... I got really bad heartburn, which is unheard of for me so I was a big baby about it. It came back for a few days with me trying all kinds of things, including a shot of vinegar and honey that made me gag and almost puke. Finally a few days after my session and all this pain, I was meditating outside and when finished I laid down on the ground. Roux got on me, as he often does since I'm his human pillow, but this time he laid across my chest. As we laid there I had the weirdest sensation that he was trying to help me and wouldn't you know, the heartburn hasn't returned since. How sweet - the little puppy heart helped the big momma heart ;)

Okay, so back to the Tao Center. I don't doubt the physical excursions are helpful and maybe the "tapping" does something, but still - it's not for me. Not because it's weird, no - that I could get over (lord knows I'm getting comfortable with going down my own path). Not because I don't believe in the energy meridians that flow through the body (see paragraph above). No, for me it just didn't feel right. Sure enough, when I dug a little deeper I found some pretty negative references about it being fraudulent, cultish, and generally an unscrupulous organization. While I'm pretty sure most religious organizations are looking for more recruits and dollars...the repeated accounts I saw took it further (see http://www.rickross.com/reference/dti/dti2.html).

Even so - I'm still glad I went, donated, met a few fans of it, got Roux's help with my heart chakra, and had something interesting to share with you. Long live new experiences!!!

Energy Vortexes in Sedona

2010-01-07T15:18:00.002-05:00

A lot of folks told me I couldn't miss Sedona on this trip. I heard it was awesome, cool, refreshing, something neat about it, and of course that the red rocks were a sight to see. What no one mentioned were the energy vortexes reported to be there, at least I don't recall anyone mentioning it. Maybe they thought it sounded crazy - or maybe they were completely unaware...but it was obvious from the moment we saw them that those red rocks had a pull to them. In doing my homework, here's some tidbits I picked up:

- the vortexes (vortices anywhere else you go) are swirling centers of subtle energy coming from the surface of the earth that emanate 1/2 mile out

- some believe the energy to have some magnetic properties to them, while others feel the energy is more on a psychic level

- there are four strong vortexes (and maps to any are easy to obtain) with less intense locations believed to exist as well

- they were first noticed after the Harmonic Convergence in August of 1987, which marked the end of the Mayan Calendar according to Jose Argulles

- since that time, Sedona has become a center for spiritual awareness and evolution

- over 5 million visitors a year come to Sedona, many looking to experience these energy vortexes

- while everyone is different, seems the sensations can run from tingling to feeling distinctly uplifted to nothing at all

Needless to say, we were very intrigued but since we had 3 weeks to enjoy the area - we weren't in any rush and followed our typical routine (taking our time soaking up the vibe and talking to folks) before we took any tours or started any hiking escapades. We camped about 15 miles southwest of Sedona and enjoyed the easy drive in...the stunning beauty of what nature has created there is truly breathtaking. We couldn't stop talking about it, no matter how many times we drove past the same formations. Huh. Maybe that was us feeling some of the energy?

After meeting a wonderfully cool guy at the campground (John) who just happened to run some of the Jeep tours in the area - we booked a trip and due to the winter season, had him and the Jeep all to ourselves - score! He took us up close and personal, sharing a wealth of information along the way. On the way back (and after having a sense for us) he brought us to one of the smaller vortex spots. There we parked, got quiet, shut our eyes and breathed in a scented oil he carried with him. I can't say I felt any vibrations or tingling, aside from what I've become accustomed to when my I connect with my inner spirit. However, when I opened my eyes - everything popped! It was like I was seeing 4D instead of just 3D. Colors were more vibrant and trees on the other side of the road looked like they were slowly moving toward me - or me to them, though I know we were both still. It was pretty cool and I admittedly felt better when Mom described her experience to be the same (you know, just in case I was getting carried away with it all).

I realize that in all our research, we never came across a scientific study that confirmed the existence of these so-called energy vortexes with their technical measurements that I probably couldn't pronounce anyway. I get that and get that many people will easily dismiss their possibility. That's okay, as I'm a big proponent of respect. All I know is what I believe and I believe that everything is made of energy, that energy has different vibrational frequencies that contribute to what we see, feel, etc. and that I saw and felt something slightly different when I was there. Could it have been the scented oil combined with a deep oxygen intake? Sure, but it doesn't matter. The reason I say that is because regardless of how we each perceive "God" its all tied to a personal belief - and its our beliefs that create our realities right? So, if you don't believe in any kind of God, then my experience was oxygen and scented oil induced. If you believe in traditional Christianity, then maybe my experience was a misguided attempt at prayer. If you believe in a universal power of sorts, then maybe my experience was created through meditation.

I'm not one to get hung up in the details of things, I've always gone with my gut instincts and been very successful at it. So while I didn't have any kind of out of body experience or talk directly with God...

1. I wasn't expecting that anyway

2. I believe I felt a different kind energy

3. I don't have any explanation as to what that meant

4. I don't care, it was cool anyway

5. I think it was the overall vibe/energy of the Sedona area that I enjoyed most

Mom and I are a bit alike in that we seem to sense the same kind of positive and negative energies. If you can think of a time when you met someone and immediately sensed they were trouble, you know something along the lines of what I mean. I suspect its different for everyone in that we are probably attracted to that which closely matches our own energy vibrations. In any case, Mom and I have been aligned with nearly every place we've gone as far as our take on whether or not we liked it. Sedona was no exception, we fell head over heels in love with the place. Call it what you will, but I believe that has to do with the energy of the location as well as all the people there. (I mean, hello - if so many people are seeking some kind of spiritual connection there, then there was plenty of positive vibes to pick up on.)

So, were there energy vortexes? I think so, but can't say for sure. Was there a wonderful feeling to the area - hell yes...and that's why I think everyone told me it was awesome, cool, refreshing, something neat about it, and of course that the red rocks were a sight to see.

I'll be back.

Healing Horses

2010-01-05T19:12:00.001-05:00

Sometime before we left on our road trip, I stumbled upon a holistic horse healing ranch that sounded interesting. The practicioner, Dr. Jenn, had a life long love for horses, had ridden and cared for them, even competed at some point I believe. In any case, while getting her Ph.D. in clinical phycology and post doctorate in family therapy - she recognized a connection between both her passions that led her to get her Reiki Master Certification and find a way to unblock mental, emotional, and physical obstacles that keep us from living our lives fully. I had been working on identifying what my blocks and limiting beliefs were, and let me tell you - its harder than it sounds...so the idea of getting a little help and having horses in the mix - well, it seemed awfully interesting and totally in line with the spirit of our trip.

I booked our sessions to be a week or so after Albuquerque's International Hot Air Balloon Festival and while we ran into an unexpected early Colorado winter blast, the road conditions and temperatures returned to 'normal' in time for our excursion. (We were staying in Colorado Springs and the ranch was 30 minutes outside of Denver...so nearly 2 hours away.)

Once we found ourselves on the long road leaving the chic storefronts headed toward Rainbow Ridge, the horizon opened up and sun peaked through the clouds highlighting the rolling hills on what was clearly horse country. We arrived and met initially with Dr. Jenn for an explanation of how she believes the horses are involved in the healing process and how things would play out. Much like dolphins, horses are often used in work with autistic children and the like because of their ability to bring that intangible "something" that always has profound results for the person. I don't know about you, but I've always likened dolphins to old souls that know way more than we do but don't judge us - only offer their help (think of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy). Dr. Jenn sees horses in the same light.

Before we headed outside, we started off picking a card from a Goddess Deck and one from an Animal Deck if I remember correctly. While I know the explanation of my cards vaguely made sense, I don't recall the specifics so will skip forward. We went outside one at a time and were warned that while Dr. Jenn could attempt to bring the issues we wanted to work on forward, sometimes things would end up on a different topic that was of more importance at this point in time. That's cool, we're both very open. She went on to explain that we'd select a horse to work with, stand close to it with our hand on it and eyes closed, she'd start us off with a few questions, we were to pay attention to our bodily sensations and feelings - the rest would unfold naturally.

I went first and selected Serendipity as my horse, but seemed that wasn't the best fit since she actually backed up and her daughter Frolic stepped forward. Huh. Okay, only picked Serendipity for her name - no worries, Frolic it is! (She was a beautiful caramel colored quarter horse with huge brown eyes that clearly had something to say.) I stood next to her front shoulder, which was impressive unto itself because she was huge compared to me and normally I'd be worried about getting whacked by some part of her.

With Frolic as my interpreter of sorts, Dr. Jenn had me close my eyes and asked me to state my intentions for the session - which were to get help determining my life purpose and healing my wrists. When asked what bodily sensation I felt, I instantly felt a lump in my throat...the same feeling we all experience (I think) when we get emotional and choked up - unable to speak. I was surprised when Dr. Jenn asked various questions about why I might feel that way and I choked out the response that I felt it impossible to be the real me because for the most part I'd always been trying to live up to someone else's expectations. Yikes, where'd that come from? I remember feeling weird as I said it, sort of guilty - but Dr. Jenn unknowingly calmed me when she said that the movement I was feeling was Frolic nodding her head up and down. When asked what emotions I felt at that moment, I said I was tired and saw an image of my hand reaching out as though waiting for help. Odd, but interesting.

You see, as an 11 year old whose parents divorced, it was my role as the eldest to keep things together. As the grandaughter of a spy who was fluent in 7 languages, it was my role to prove myself academically and later help my father care for my aging grandmother. As the responsible daughter capable of running a household, having a job, and with both siblings still at home - it was my role to quit college and move home when my mother was diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer. As a member of the working force with no college degree, it was my role to work hard and prove myself to everyone at work that I was fully capable and then some. Having failed my first marriage and finding a wonderful man shortly thereafter that I eventually married, it was my role to maintain the marriage even after romantic feelings had left and we were left with being best friends who clearly wanted different things in life. (Important sidenote: these were all choices I made, I blame no one and believe everything happens for a reason.) Geeze - this all felt like it came out of left field! Honestly, I've always considered myself a happy person that rolls with the punches. Yet as I stood there holding onto Frolic - I couldn't shake the vision I saw of me standing in a pond with only my neck and head visible. That's exactly how I was feeling. Weird stuff I tell you, especially when Dr. Jenn suggested that the hand I visualized earlier reach out for help might actually be my inner (spiritual) self reaching out to provide help to my outer (physical) self. Whoa...yeah...can see that...wow.

Once we got through that little nugget, Dr. Jenn got us back into the groove somehow and we were off to identify another bodily sensation. This time is was my wrists (no surprise there since I'd been having issues since February and this healing session took place in October). Nonetheless, I could feel the typical tightness and dull, throbbing pain - but now it was radiating up my arm. As Dr. Jenn continued with this line of questioning, what came out was my deep unfilled desire to have my father's approval - which I totally did not see coming. Apparently neither did Frolic, because she wasn't having any of it. She kept moving and when Dr. Jenn couldn't get her to calm down, a light went off and she suggested we use her newest member of the team - Little Man. He was a smaller framed horse, dark brown, with short fuzzy whiskers on his chin. He didn't move an inch when we approached...just looked right at me as though acknowledging he was the right guy to work with. (Later on Dr. Jenn shared that on a couple of occasions her clients who have had male based issues have ended up with Little Man, to the point that she was starting to think it was his specialty.) Okay, so at this point I was standing next to Little Man with my hand on his shoulder and my eyes closed.

To help ease my apparent need, Dr. Jenn contacted my father's higher self / spiritual guide / soul / whatever you want to call it and used Little Man to convey messages to me...which was weird, no doubt - but also clear. As I stood there with my eyes closed, listening to Dr. Jenn invite my father's spiritual side to share a message with Little Man...I felt Little Man turn his head and nuzzle me. I don't mean he was looking for a snack, I mean the horse was actually hugging me to the best of his ability! I know its bizarre, but you weren't there - I was and it was a hug I tell you! Then I opened my eyes and was looking directly into his - which was like looking through space into heaven itself, with all the love and acceptance that comes with it. It really surprised me how much I instantly understood - though I was still a bit in shock of it all. After a deep breath Dr. Jenn guided me back and asked if I wanted to give thanks, which I whole heartedly did...so I got to hug Little Man back. I'd never hugged a horse before - she told me to put one arm over his shoulder and neck and the other under his chest behind his front legs. My arms weren't big enough, but I think he understood...it was nice and I will admit, I teared up a bit.

To end the session, Dr. Jenn recapped what she'd heard around my need for male approval (father, teacher in middle school, grandfather, various managers at work, husband) and internal need to please others. She asked why I thought these messages were provided to me and without hesitating I said something like, "It's okay to be me now...to use this time to connect with my Self more and more...that's how I'll get the clarity I'm seeking around life purpose...and I won't need male approval anymore." An hour and a half later it was Mom's turn, so I laid in the sun on her deck overlooking the horse country that surrounded us and soaked up some of the positive energy that was there. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Do I believe I was healed? Yes, in a way I do. It's been a long time since I've gone to a therapist but it felt like that on crack. I say that because we accomplished in less than two hours something that could've taken six months instead. Dr. Jenn equates it to the energy that the horses exude and I guess that's what helps us work through things easier.

Did I find my life purpose? No, but I left with a sense of freedom to be me no matter what that may turn out to be. I do think it contributed to what I've found out since (stay tuned for more on that), almost like it was required to open the door before I could step through.

Did it heal my wrists? No, I'm just starting to get that under control now through acupuncture and don't see how either of those issues have to do with the lack of freedom or movement that injured wrists indicate (according to Louise Hay and something I'll go into more detail on another time).

Am I happy we went? Absolutely. This wasn't the first or last obscure thing I've done in an attempt to poke around the recesses of my body, mind, or spirit. We identified the purpose of this trip to be to "seek our inner truths while exploring the great outdoors." This experience was unique and rewarding in its own rights. I wouldn't change a thing but also don't think its for everyone. However, if you're curious and would like to know more - you can check out Dr. Jenn and her horses at http://www.happilyeverafterranch.com.

Reconnecting with Mike Dooley

2010-01-01T12:59:00.003-05:00

I've long been a fan of the Notes from the Universe that Mike Dooley's company emails out. They provide a whimsical message that cuts through the sometimes lengthy Law of Attraction type principles and leaves a smile on my face as it refers to us as Adventurers (you know that totally appeals to my gypsy nature right?). No surprise my mother was the one that introduced me to them many years ago, maybe as far back as the late 90's, as it closely mirrored the beliefs she'd come to embrace and expose me to. Just before we took off on our trip a friend gave us the live copy of his latest audio book (thank you Kathy!), so we started listening to it and another audio book of his on the long drives. I'm certainly glad we did because it was the perfect way to start this road trip of ours...this search for our internal truths while enjoying the great outdoors. His words reminded me of some important concepts that I knew but hadn't gotten into the nuances of. You know how it goes...you can hear the same thing 100 times but not be ready to "get" all of it at once.

In any case, over the years his company (TUT which stands for Totally Unique Thoughts) has grown into something I very much admire. It's simple and meaningful - with humor tied in for good measure. It's really good for people who are just starting to explore the wide, wide world of metaphysics (a.k.a. Law of Attraction). More than any other place I've looked to date, I most resonate with Mike's representation of who we are and what we're doing here. Things like...

thoughts become things, choose the good ones
we're spiritual beings having a physical experience
we are part of "God", therefor deserve to have anything we want and what's more...can bring it to ourselves

I also like that Mike's work has come from a place that was personal to him, it feels authentic to me. He had a lot of questions, did an inordinate amount of research to find his answers and combined it all in an easy to comprehend way. He's written a couple of books, given countless seminars and talks, and continued to share his message in a light hearted manner. What a guy. Gosh, it must sound like I'm doing a commercial for him but in reality I'm just an enthusiastic fan. As a matter of fact, I've decided to go on his next World Tour to Egypt. Hello! How cool with that be, traveling with like minded people to a place I've dreamt of going for a long time. (While that is true, I only just made my "bucket list" last year and on it put that I wanted to stand in the same place my grandfather did in a photo I have of him in front of the pyramids.)

I bring Mike and TUT up because I was looking back at my journal and saw notes I made about some of his points and how they lined up with what I'd been thinking. Things I wanted to share just cuz I'm nice like that ;) or possibly because I'm trying to keep an electronic record of my thought process during this trip...whatever.

stop limiting the Universe with too many details (ie: I want multiple houses around the world, so when I imagine the tropical getaway why limit the location to Hawaii when it could be in Key West, Figi, St. Thomas, etc.?)
stop trying to sequentially line up my desires according to how I think they can come to fruition (ie: I want to travel extensively so first need to create a successful business...or do I considering what I'm doing now?)
ignore the how's and focus on the end in mind so the Universe can use all options available (ie: I don't have all the expertise needed to create business on my own, but do have the ability to see myself celebrating success with small team of knowledgeable people.)
when reaching for something radically different, where limiting beliefs may trip me up...flip it around and contemplate what I'll believe after the desire has come true and make it my truth now (ie: When I buy that 1.8 million dollar house in a tropical paradise, I'll believe college degrees don't have anything to do with determining material wealth.)

A big thing that Mike talks about is the power of visualization, which I've always been a big fan of. His version is like daydreaming on crack because he stresses that you want to actually feel the emotions that come with what you're visualizing. Easy for me but it can be hard for some people to do without any reference points, which is why I think vision boards have become so popular. I don't remember if it was The Secret (which Mike was a contributor to - ok! I'll stop, sorry) that made vision boards popular or not - but I'm sure you've heard of them. The only trick is putting yourself IN the pictures, but not to fear...that's where my up and coming business will help! (More to come on that later.)

Suffice to say, Mike's been a contributor toward what I want to do with my life so I thought it only appropriate to share a bit about why. Nuff said.

What do I want?

2009-12-30T01:03:00.002-05:00

I've been working on getting crystal clear with what I want and with the upcoming new year - thought now would be a good time to share what's happening on that front...

A law of attraction coach I follow put out a short e-book sharing a few of her manifestation stories (Adventures in Manifesting). One that I naturally gravitated to had to do with when she was getting ready to break from corporate america and open her own coaching business. Here's the excerpt I can't get out of my head:

Even though I'd been studying and playing with deliberate creation for a while, I believed the experts I'd hired to train me that:

- Most coaches fail. Period.

- Even if you were lucky enough to build a practice, it would take 12-18 months to do so.

- And even if you were lucky enough to build a full time practice, which most aren't, but even if you were, you weren't likely to make more than $30 grand a year.

Now that scenario sucks, but I believed it hook, line and sinker because these were industry experts, the largest coach training program in the country, who wanted to make sure we trainees were realistic about the challenges - and unlikelihood - of becoming a successful coach...

Thankfully, my mentor coach called me on it. "Who told you that?!" she blurted out, when I told her I knew not to quit my day job because it would take over a year to build a practice.

"Duh," I thought to myself. "Only the biggest coach training program in the country." What kind of stupid mentor coach did I hire if she didn't even know how hard it was to build a coaching practice?! Sheesh! I explained to her exactly what the experts told me, which was that most coaches fail. And even when you succeed, it isn't all that pretty.

"Is that what you want?" she asked incredulously. (As if I were wishing the plague on myself.) "Well, no..." I hesitatingly answered, wondering if it was a trick question. "Then what do you want?" There was a bit of silence on my end while I realized I hadn't considered that. I'd been told what to expect, I hadn't thought about what I would prefer...

"If I could pick anything?" Well, if that were the case, I'd say "a full time practice in one month..." And that's when I remembered - thank you, dear mentor coach - that it is that simple. I pick what I want. The Universe takes it from there...

And that's what deliberate creation is - choosing something that feels like a big stretch, outside our current believe system, and bringing something "impossible" to life.

(p.s. - Jeannette had a thriving business in just three months)

Ug! How many times have we accepted what we were told hook, line, and sinker? Why do we accept someone else's limitations so readily? What's wrong with asking ourselves what we really want? Of course that requires some honesty on our part, too...no point wishing for something that is in conflict with something else (like winning the lottery when you think all rich people are shallow).

The key point I got from Jeannette is to recognize when we're living out someone else's story instead of our own. We are the authors of our stories and therefore can craft it to fit us - not the other way around. While I've had a few successes in the past, this is still an area I'm working on - getting clear on what I want regardless of what I'm told to expect. Below are a few examples from my past and present about the limitations society indicates I should live in - and the story that I wrote / am writing.

"You can't get a good job with a decent salary without a college degree."

...Why not? (Thankfully my indignation helped me rise to the equivalent earning power of my significant other, who held a bachelor's degree - oh, plus a significant bonus.)

"Welcome. FYI, this company doesn't give out exceptional ratings very easily so don't be disappointed if you don't get one."

...Ha, ha - you don't know me but thanks for the warning. (I went on to receive the highest marks after my first year in a very competitive environment, on a very talented team.)

"Congratulations on your rating, but just know that I've never seen anyone able to repeat that two years in a row."

...Ha, ha - you don't know me but thanks for the warning. (Wait, what was it I couldn't achieve again? Yeah, that's what I thought - nothing!)

"You shouldn't use your retirement account to live off of while you galavant around the country."

...Um, yes I can - its my money and there's no price tag for having the memories from this road trip to enjoy the rest of my life!

"You can't start up a business and make any money without working harder than ever before."

...I intend to see profits within the first 3 months, to replace my previous salary within the first 6 months - and do it all easily while having fun to boot!

"You don't know it all and can't expect to find partners to work with you for free to start up your business."

...Why not? Plenty of people have found themselves both out of work, searching both for something that speaks to their heart and fills their days. Plus, I'm a total joy to work with and for - we'll create ideal jobs and a company for ourselves, then be sweetly rewarded for it!

"Owning property is a risk for anyone right now, much less for someone who wants to travel so much."

...No worries, I plan on owning at least four condos across the country in the next four years - then I'll be going international.

Clarity on what I want for myself is the first step. "Ask and you shall receive." can't begin without knowing what I want to ask for. My spirit guides can't conspire on my behalf until I give them a little more than "I want to do something I love and make enough money to be comfortable."

These ideas aren't foreign to me, but the one thing I hadn't considered was how I might be shaping what I want with the unfounded beliefs of others. Seems this is easiest to do when it has to do with something I'm not totally comfortable with, like starting a new business. So, thanks to Jeannette I now know that won't be a problem cuz I'm all over this (in a good way). Here's to thinking outside of the lines while remaining true to our hearts!

Confessions of a Lost Gypsy

2009-12-28T01:04:00.004-05:00

I have to fess up to something. I suck. Okay, not really since I believe all things come in their own time - but that's how I feel at the moment.

I have not maintained the integrity, much less the frequency, of the content on this blog. The intention was to track my inner journey, the thoughts inside, the good and bad...to find, try, and share any methods I encountered as I physically drove across the country. Why haven't I been able to maintain that intention? There are a few reasons, but without a doubt the biggest has been the fear of being judged as a weirdo, nut case, or generally dismissed as yet another corporate possibility who couldn't handle the stress. Hey - I'm no fool and realize that my beliefs, while growing in vague familiarity are still not mainstream.

Nonetheless, a big part of the trip was to do some soul searching and I figured I should take advantage of anything that might catch my attention along the way. Whether that was chanting in the moonlight, talking to horses, having my astrological charts drawn up, partaking in a Native American ritual, connecting to my spirit guides, or simply asking those I meet how they've come to find themselves where they are now - the idea is that I was on a bit of a quest for me.

While I was open to trying such things and have actually participated in a couple of them, I've been reticent in sharing. That's not honest and it doesn't feel good. A woman I met along the way described how she used to think one thing, verbalize something different, and have yet another feeling in her gut. She found a lot of relief when she was able to sync all three areas to match her singular truth. That made a lot of sense, so my next few blogs will be a recollection of some of the experiences I've enjoyed along the way.

Clearly the content won't be for everyone and that's okay - we are all on our own journeys and I completely respect that. Still, this is something I need to do...something I need to share. You on the other hand can chose not to read. Either way, I believe we draw to ourselves that which we can benefit from - so I plan on laying it all out there for you to pick from, regardless of what you may think or how uncomfortable it may feel to me because in the end I think there's an underlying lesson for me and quite frankly that's more important to me right now.

Huh. Maybe that last part is the first lesson ;)

Letting Go

2009-12-15T23:23:00.002-05:00

The first time I received the message I was in Key West, March of 2009. I'd gone there for a vacation alone, renting a room at a stunning home off Elizabeth Street in the ritzy part of the little town - not far from Duval Street. It was advertised as a Law of Attraction vacation where other like minded individuals would be. Turns out I was the only border that week, which was fine with me because I'd brought a lot of books and spent a lot of time meditating and such. One "such" happened to be taking a yoga class on the beach. It was awesome. I'd ride my bike across town to the state park, was let in earlier than the public for this class, joined other people under a canopy of trees and we followed along. The instructor changed it up a bit every day and on Thursday morning used a type that leveraged our gravity...so we'd get into a comfortable pose (believe it or not!) and then stay there for 5 minutes. It was extremely relaxing, what with the small waves crashing 20 feet away and all. So there I was minding my own business, holding my pose with my eyes closed, when I started seeing handwriting on the inside of my lids. It was the kind of cursive children are taught, which meant I knew it wasn't mine! It was slow and deliberate and what gave me chills is that after a word was written, the instructor would just happen to use it. You'd better believe I quickly started paying attention! The words were: allow, release, surrender, just be and let go. Not wanting to lose the apparent connection I had with a higher power, I didn't leave that beach for another four hours. I rented a chair and umbrella and sat there with pen and paper...trying to keep my mind quiet and jotting down any thoughts that came to mind. It was a powerful day that helped shape the events of my life very quickly and not one that I'll ever forget.

Fast forward to June after I'd announced my resignation and started down a path I didn't think I turn back from. I hired a Law of Attraction life coach to help me through what I fully expected to be an uncertain, maybe even turbulent transition. Great decision on my part by the way, without a doubt her insightful assistance drew out my deepest desires, confirmed the actions I was taking, identified my fears, and helped me find the power within to get where I wanted to go. During one of our conversations I mentioned an ailment I was having, specifically pain in my wrist that started in February and hadn't improved with the basic care I was giving it. Believing what I do about the connection between our body, mind, and spirit - I asked my coach for guidance so I could figure out how I'd manifested it and what I needed to do to make it go away. She suggested I look into Louise Hay's work around self healing. I did and Louise contends that the dis-ease we feel in our bodies is often times a message from our higher selves (remember the body, mind, spirit connection - well the body was hurting, so the idea is to ask the mind and/or spirit what's going on). According to Louise, my wrist issues had to do with lack of movement and ease. Made sense. After all, I was in the process of leaving a 15 year career...something I'd never done before and was certainly treading on unknown territory. I discussed it with my life coach and then meditated on it, receiving the message to let go. Huh...let go of what? The divorce was final in February and I was cool with everything...maybe let go of my fears? At a loss and in pain, I ended up seeing a hand specialist and got a cortisone shot that he said would do the trick. Thanks doc!

Fast forward to December - by which time I'd left corporate america, gotten rid of a lot of stuff, moved out of my apartment, and was halfway through the big trip...surely anyone on the outside could see how much I'd let go of! Unfortunately, I was still having pain but now in both wrists. In the meantime, I'd continued to explore the underlying concepts around Law of Attraction. I'd read or am still reading books such as Biology of Belief, Anatomy of the Spirit, Unconditional Life, and Finding Your Own North Star. I was beginning to understand the energy within our body, how it impacts us when it gets out of whack and the various ways it can be realigned for optimal health...which led me to researching acupuncturists (after all, it is California). In addition to reading, I'd also peruse the various blogs online dedicated to similar topics and found a course that sounded interesting: Spirit Guide Coaching. Long story short, the idea is that we have guardian angels (spirit guides, hunches, whatever you want to call it) and that by learning to communicate better with that entity (pay attention to the hunches, notice when an idea pops in your head that wasn't yours, etc.) we can enjoy a more balanced life (including finding that elusive life purpose). The reason I mention this last bit is because the homework I was given after my first of six sessions was to get in touch with my body...increase my already sensitive nature so that I could better recognize variations in how and where I feel things. Step one was to "get in touch" with a body part that's currently sensitive. Great - I'll work my wrists! I did the breath work to find a calm state, I gave appreciation for my wrists (after all, I can't do simply things like put on my bra without them - they're wonderfully flexible and awfully strong for such a small joint), and finally I asked for guidance on the lesson they may be trying to convey. What did I hear? You know...let go. Geeze, this was the 3rd time I was hearing this message and I still didn't understand - so in earnest, I asked for more clarity.

A couple of hours later I was listening to a mix on my iPod. An unfamiliar song came on, The Hardest Part by Coldplay, and just before I could hit fast forward a verse came on that stopped me in my tracks: "the hardest part was letting go and not taking part." Oooooohhhh, that shifted my perspective immediately. Finally something to start the wheels moving so I can live up to whatever it is I'm supposed to be letting go of! Hmmmm, so maybe it doesn't just have to do with removing myself from a situation - maybe it has to do with not allowing its essence to continue to be present in my life. This led me to start wondering whether or not:

I'm over my divorce (do I still miss pieces parts?)
I'd only let go of corporate america on the outside and not on the inside (side note: two days before I was browsing for jobs on Monster and not feeling good about it)
I had deep beliefs about not being able to work for myself and be successful (the only success I've ever known job-wise was by working for someone else)
I've been talking the talk but not yet walking it (saying it and believing it isn't always the same as living it and while it may seem I'm walking the walk just by means of this trip - there's still a lot of doubt traveling with me on what happens upon my return)
I've been trying to do new things the old way, instead of doing new things a new way (clearly habits die hard)

So, in an attempt to help myself let go of all limiting beliefs...using a common law of attraction technique to reinforce what I know to be true so that it will help me pave the way for my future state...let me clearly say:

I am really and truly a very happy, currently single, woman.
I want and will be an entrepreneur with my own business that is mobile enough for me to continue traveling.
I have succeeded in every professional path I've tried, no reason that should change just because I'm working for myself.
I do not have to do things the same way I'm accustomed to them "just because" - I will create fun, new ways.
I have a long list of success stories in my life that I later discovered aligned perfectly with Law of Attraction; being on new ground only means I'll have new success stories to add.
I am a wildly creative person who can achieve new things using totally unique approaches and will have a blast doing it!

There. That's how I honestly feel. My next steps are to remain aware of my thoughts and how my body feels. While I am still learning to pick up on them, I do believe they will alert me to any issues I need to address further.

This is me...wanting to let go of that which no longer serves me, ready to embrace something new...signing off for now.

Life Purpose

2009-12-12T23:37:00.002-05:00

Last year I was given a gift. One I didn't realize I would be so happy with, but without a doubt its been the best gift ever. That was the time when my husband asked for a divorce. Mind you it wasn't such a great gift because I was unhappy, more that I was unfulfilled and he had the clarity to see that we were both in that space and needed to go different paths to get there.

So, nearly 16 months ago I received the gift of going solo. It was perfect timing, for I'd been wrestling with wanting to do something different but had so many responsibilities I felt unable to take any kind of leap. With the time and space I was granted, I took very seriously the opportunity to figure things out...things like my life purpose. This has been no small feat, since there's no textbook answer on what it should be or how to determine it. There are a lot of opinions on it and I'm a libra - so I can jump sides pretty easily. That meant step one would be to do some initial research on the topic.

Some would say your life purpose is to do the work of God. Many have begun to shun the word religion and would say its to discover your own spirituality / connection and then life a good life accordingly. Still others would say the purpose of life is to live a full one. I say its to just be you - the real you, which admittedly does require soul searching of some kind. I'm still in the process and who knows, maybe its a life long pursuit. One thing I'm starting to wonder is whether or not we make it harder on ourselves than it needs to be. Of course, some parts of the journey have been fun - like my law of attraction vacation to Key West, quitting my job and taking a 6 month road trip :)

Other parts have been more on the interesting, eye opening level. In my search for what feels like the holy grail - I've hired a life coach, read the gamut of books and blogs, made lists, tried to uncover limiting beliefs, gone to energy healers, studied some eastern beliefs around the body-mind-soul connection and chakras, talked to intuitives, tried to understand the biological and quantum physics that play into spirituality and enlisted the help of a spiritual guidance counselor of sorts. I've also tried to find quiet time to be quiet and listen, I've asked questions right before going to sleep asking for answers, I've used my pray rain journal to spark future possibilities, I've made a bucket list, I've used the 5 why's method when asking myself what makes me happy and then analyzed it all to look for themes that may hint at my life purpose. I'm not sure if you get my drift - but I've been exploring a lot!

All that said, here's where I'm at now. I know that my life purpose involves travel, freedom, and sharing. Without a doubt those are precious values to me that repeatedly show up in my dreams and thoughts. What I don't know and am struggling with now is how to apply those in what I do for a living. That's the million dollar question - lemme know if you have the answer, I'll do what I can to settle up with you ;)

On one hand I'm sure you've heard sayings like, "Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life." I and many others have translated that to mean figure out your life purpose and then do it for a living. Well, I'm starting to wonder if it works that way. In my 15 years in corporate training I was quite happy the vast majority of the time, but I can assure you that working for a financial institution isn't anywhere in my life purpose. I read a blog by Anna Conlan recently that discussed this very issue and helped me consider a middle ground. She suggests that our life purpose is expressed in three ways: at our soul level (deepest desires), in our personality (likes and dislikes), and what we do (job, hobbies, relationships). She further expands on them to say that by paying attention to clues, we can find ways to further incorporate our life purpose into daily activities. What I took from it was that we don't have to kill ourselves trying to create a perfect marriage between job and life purpose...it doesn't have to be an all or nothing situation. We can know our life purpose, see it reflected in our personal preferences, and tweak what we do to include more or different pieces of it. We can feel good that it will come through naturally in all that we do because its such an innate part of our core values. Or maybe we'll find the ideal work that is in fact that perfect marriage...I still believe in such possibilities you know.

As for me, I'm still working out how I feel about everything. There's so much information, both internally and externally, to sort out - it just takes time. I feel so blessed to have so much of that these days, as many in the corporate world know that a 40-hour week is anything but. I'm starting a 6-week teleclass in a couple of days that I plan to assist me in sorting out some of this stuff. You know, a number of people referred to my recent actions as a mid-life crisis and I took it as an insult (both because I'm no where near the halfway point and because I felt I had a better grip on my life than many others). Now that I've gotten some distance from that, I understand the reference a little better. I think part of our experience as humans will include questioning ourselves and our place at some point. Seems it usually happens a little later in life for many, maybe because they're so busy in their mid-30s with kids and such. Since I'm not on that particular train ride, I'm here now and given the avalanche of questions that has befallen me since cracking open Pandora's box - I now totally understand why its called a crisis. For the first time in my life there is a burning desire to be so honest with myself that I am willing to give up everything to find it...throw out the norms and make my own decisions for my own reasons and be damned if things have to change because of it. I am now 3 months into my 6 month trip and what I'll do when I'm "done" weighs heavily on my mind.

Regardless of where my answers take me from here - one thing I do know is that by being aware of my purpose will help ensure that my life will be LIVED...the rest will just have to fall in place behind it.

Achievements: Past, Present & Future

2009-12-01T12:53:00.003-05:00

I suppose we humans have come so far so fast because we have some innate part of us that needs to achieve things. Whether its to impress others, ourselves, or our god(s) - it seems an inevitable part of us. When we don't achieve things, we seem to oppress ourselves with feelings of shame, blame, and outright unworthiness. I don't know why we do that but can see instances of it throughout my life as well and even as I knowingly seek a higher truth - I still have certain expectations of myself.

To that very end I'm reading a couple of books that discuss the power of emotions, the idea that they emanate from memory (good, bad, experienced, or anticipated) and that the use of visualizations can be enhanced with emotions. This is a subject that really interests me so I like playing with the suggestions they have - one of which is to find an experienced memory that brings up the type of emotions I'd like to create in my future. For example, I want to live in a tropical setting and feel awe inspired peace...so I would think of a time when I felt that same kind of peace and relive it - then flip to the desired state and visualize that possibility with the same emotion. The idea is that emotions amp up the energy around the visualization, through the law of attraction this is one technique to make that happen more precisely.

Regardless of whether or not that makes sense to you, as I started doing it the thoughts that started to come to me was "wait a minute, I've totally been able to do a, b, c - so why couldn't I do x, y, z?" Which led me to the idea that it may be worthwhile to put my constant pursuit of the next thing on pause for a moment and take count of all that I have accomplished...and I recommend you do the same. We have done so much in our lives, grown through so many trials and tribulations that I think we deserve the occasional time to celebrate our worthiness. Hopefully our respective lists will remind us of some other fundamental truths - like we are good, smart, kind, deserving, happy, accomplished, valuable, thoughtful, and powerful beings capable of so much more than we tend to give ourselves credit for. By reliving some of these undeniable truths we may in fact pave the way for more desires to come to fruition. I mean, if you'd done all that's on your already accomplished list - why can't you do what's on your wish list?

By way of example and for my own benefit, here's a list of what I've accomplished. I trust that while some may not look that impressive to you, you'll understand that the circumstances in which I did them make them proud moments in time for me and quite frankly that's all that matters anyway...

lived through my first divorce at age 11, surviving as the eldest of three a bit wiser with the idea of what's truly important
lived through my second divorce at age 23, holding my self worth higher than the momentary failings of a young couple
carved out a career without a college degree, succeeding in all aspects of the training profession from facilitation to design and development to project and people management (and earning as much as my degreed counterparts)
survived an emotional and financial onslaught thanks to mother nature, learning more about my needs, my stuff, my spirit, and fellow man along the way
learned to give and reciprocate true love, including the most unconditional aspect of letting go when it was best for all
prayed for answers to my questions, finding answers when I was able to surrender, allow, release, let go, and just be
willed the powers that be to deliver a dream vacation in Key West (followed shortly thereafter by a request to take a 6 month road trip), proving that through desire and focus much can be achieved - including my next set of dreams!

Through it all I've witnessed how blind faith ends in clarity and appreciation, desires end up delivered, and enjoying simple pleasures result in reveling in exquisite pleasures. So while I know myself well enough to know I'll forever be on a quest for something - I'm getting better at remembering how many things I've brought into my blessed life already. I believe that will help me balance the desire to achieve more with the gratitude of what I've done thus far...further enabling faith to dominate and the powers of the Universe to best line up the how's and when's of my next great accomplishment.

"Achievements from my past have carved the achievements of my present, and together they significantly impact my future. With so many good things on my side, why worry of what's to come?" - Sarandipity

The Positive Thinking Problem by Drew Rozell

2009-11-23T14:17:00.005-05:00

On my quest to learn more about myself and my beliefs, I've found a few blogs that I really like. One is on consciously creating a cool life - doesn't that sound groovy? It's by a guy named Drew and I like it because its not too much, the language appeals to me and his topics often hit a nerve. Which is why I'd like to share the best one yet (as far as I'm concerned). As I recently told a friend, I still struggle to explain my beliefs as there is just so much to say. So when I read this post and kept saying, "yeah, yeah...oooh - yeah!" I realized it would be a perfect way to capture the evolution of my thoughts (which is what this blog is all about). And so I give you his October drewsletter. For more about or by Drew, check out his site at http://www.drewrozell.com.

THE POSITIVE THINKING PROBLEM

The idea that we create our lives through the power of our thoughts has been thoroughly vetted. In fact, this message has been delivered for centuries by the world’s most influential spiritual teachers (Jesus and Buddha), scientists (Einstein), psychologists (Carl Jung), and philosophers (Ralph Waldo Emerson).

Whether you want to hit a baseball, improve your health, or find a mate, there’s a mountain of evidence supporting the direct link between the thoughts you choose and the outcome of your experience.

As both accessibility to information and personal desire to know have increased, more people are awakening to the power of their thoughts. However, as when any idea sinks its roots into popular culture, this rise in popularity sometimes evokes resistance from some people.

These days, most of the articles on positive thinking focus on discrediting the power of positive thinking, dismissing the technique as New Age mantra, the cyclic popularity of which allows charlatans to funnel money from gullible seekers.

In reading some of the rejections of positive thinking, the most damning line of criticism seems to be that positive thinking does not work. As evidence, these authors describe how their wishes do not come true. They go on to remind you how your wishes really don’t come true either.

After all, if thinking positively worked, wouldn’t we all be wealthy and live fabulous lives, instead of scraping by and posting “TGIF” every week on our Facebook update?

On the surface, this argument makes sense. After all, you’re a positive person, right? You think good thoughts, and gosh darn it, people like you. So why do you never seem to breakthrough to another level of success? It’s a fair question.

So what’s the answer then? What’s the real problem with positive thinking?

The real problem is not with the power of positive thinking at all.

The real problem—and I mean this in the best way—is that you are delusional.

The real problem is that your self-perception of the thoughts you are choosing is distorted. You’ve not taken on the responsibility for carefully and consciously choosing the thoughts you offer to the world.

Allow me to elaborate by sharing my experience of bumping into an old friend, Murphy, the other day. After a few minutes of catching up, he offered this:

“Drew, I gotta tell you. I always like what you write, but I think there’s got to more to what we create than positive thinking and the law of attraction stuff. I mean, you know me. I’m a really positive person, but man, my life is as hard as ever.”

I nodded silently, but inside I was bursting to show him that the thought he had just chosen to share with me about his life was anything but positive. And while his thought might reflect the truth of his experience (I have no doubt his life DOES feel hard), Murphy did not understand that by giving this unwanted story more of his attention by sharing it with me, he would only collect more and more real world evidence of how hard life is.

In short, the gap between Murphy’s belief about the degree to which he thinks positive thoughts and his practice of choosing positive thoughts is vast. Grand Canyon-like.

I’d known Murphy for more than 20 years and we were no longer close for a simple reason: I found him to be among the most negative and draining people I knew. To be clear, Murph is not a jerk or a mean-spirited man. If I had to characterize him, I’d say he was well-meaning, but clueless as to the energy he projects to the world.

His biggest challenge was the one we all face: himself. He was a walking ball of negativity and likely the last person in his life to be aware of this fact.

The real problem with positive thinking is that we all have a bit of Murphy in us; we are all poor at seeing ourselves clearly. When it comes to evaluating ourselves, we tend to see ourselves in a more favorable light than an objective one.

For example, studies to done to measure this tendency have shown that when comparing ourselves to others, we overestimate everything from our popularity to our intelligence level. One study that asked people to rate their driving ability reported that nearly 80% rated themselves as being an above average driver.

I’m out of the research business, but I would bet heavily that if you designed a study on people’s self-perceptions of their positivity, the numbers would be grossly inflated compared to an objective analysis the thoughts they offered. And the law of positive thinking operates with the cold, predictable efficiency of a computer program. There is no right or wrong, no good or bad results (these are human judgments). There are only predictable outcomes based on whatever input the program receives.

It’s a simple law: The energy that you project (expressed through the thoughts you choose and the feelings those thoughts activate within yourself) determines the energy that you draw back into your life. Like energy draws like energy. A simple, but unyielding law.

However, when things do not go our way, it’s much more likely that we will blame someone or something outside ourselves, rather than pausing and choosing to look inward for the true source of the problem. Sticking with the computer analogy, when I tinker with my websites, it’s not usual to end up with some error on the page. I’ve gotten so frustrated that I’ve found myself pounding on my computer keys, angry that THIS STUPID THING WON’T WORK!

That rarely fixes the problem. The computer software merely follows lines of code. The output on the screen is just the sterile output of whatever code has been entered — a simple, but unyielding law.

Through the years, I’ve noticed that the anger I direct at my machine or the creative cursing I lob at my software has yet to take me a millimeter closer to a resolution of any problems I’ve experienced. Resolution only follows when I choose to accept that the error lies within me, the user. This decision allows me to look in the right place (the code) to eventually leads to the problem getting solved.

Finally, practicing the power of positive thinking does not equate to walking around being happy all the time. Because life is designed to have contrasting energies—the dark and the light, the yin and the yang—the expectation that life is a bowl of cherries is a flawed premise.

Positive thinking is not about attempting to control every outcome or event that occurs in your life. You cannot. However, when we come face to face with the events of life, it’s helpful to envision yourself as coming to a fork in the road—no matter the challenges you meet in life, you are given the power to choose your response to these events. One path is the old, well-worn habit of reacting with doubt, anger, fear or in other ways that do not feel pleasing to you.

The other fork is the road less traveled (and yes, it’s always there, but you need to look for it). Choosing this route requires you take on the practice of coaxing your thoughts in a more positive direction. You’ll know you’ve taken this path when the thoughts you choose lead you to you begin to feel better at a visceral level. This decision feels good to me. A pleasing choice to the soul. Simple.

Make no doubt about it, choosing the positive road is not as easy as it sounds. In fact, it requires you to take radical responsibility for your life. Being radically responsible means that you choose to own how you think and feel in any moment of your life. You enter the practice of choosing to move away from the old habits of blaming, complaining, and looking outside yourself for the sources of your problems.

Instead, living in a Radically Responsible way, you accept that whatever you manifest in your life is a perfect reflection of the energy you are projecting. To resolve the problems you experience, look inward, and begin the practice of choosing authentic, better-feeling thoughts.

In the face of a lifetime of conditioning that teaches us to complain, blame, and to be afraid, taking on the task of reprogramming your thoughts in a positive direction is a formidable challenge; it requires constant desire, awareness, and commitment to practice. It’s not for the lazy. It’s not for the meek.

Because it’s a challenge, most people will not choose to live this way. And while that’s fine, it does not make the principle of positive thinking any less sound.

To my way of thinking, this is the best news. Right now, you have the most powerful tool in the universe at your disposal, a tool powerful enough to create worlds (literally).

Pick it up. Play with it. The more you practice choosing the best thought/reaction, the better you will get at guiding your thoughts in a positive direction. The better you get, the better your whole life will feel.

At that point, the real problem with positive thinking will be that you did not commit to it sooner.

We All Need Reminding

2009-11-22T23:03:00.002-05:00

Mom recently commented on how I grabbed the bull by the horns and totally changed the direction in my life. You know what came to mind? "Huh. Yeah, I did do that didn't I?" I've had a lot of dreams. Some were little more than entertainment - others an innate desire that I didn't believe were actually possible, so elected to let go. After never having acted on so many, I finally did it. Me. Just me. Little 'ole me felt a pull, sought answers from within, fantasized about an option that moved me so deeply it went from "in a year or so" to "why not in a few months". Holy crap. I did that. Makes me wonder, "What else can I do?"

Well, in no particular order... I can start my own business and become a successful entrepreneur. I can have multiple homes around the world to live in when I feel so inclined. I can rent jets to get me where I want to go in comfort (as well as for the ease of traveling with dogs). I can meet a man with the same general beliefs I have, with a full life of his own, who loves to travel, that treats me like his queen. I can make new, incredible memories by celebrating life events with close friends and family. I can be a successful author. I can become so in-tune with my body that I'm able to sense imbalance and right myself before any signs of dis-ease come forth. I can sit quietly in stunningly scenic locations around this world in awe of my self, the world, people's will power, and the beauty of how it all flows in perfect harmony. I can do all of this with the internal wisdom I am blessed with...I will enjoy it all because I deserve it...I am feeling it come to fruition with ease...I see it and am profoundly thankful.

We have all done something a bit out of the ordinary that we can and should be proud of. It doesn't have to be big, but it should be a personal win that took chops. Find that something for you, bask in your glory and remember your ability - your power to do it again. Now...what's on the horizon for you?

Self Acceptance vs. Self Love

2009-10-18T18:49:00.001-04:00

As part of this physical journey I am hopeful to find some internal answers as well. The questions don't matter so much as being open and aware to potential lessons. One that has cropped up unexpectedly is the idea of Self Love. No, no - I don't mean the egotistical type...that's of no value to me - I mean the inner peace type. I think it's a lovely idea, especially for those of us that buy in to the idea that we're a piece of something much larger than any of us. Still - I don't know about you, but that phrase is often followed with a cringe when I hear it. I mean really, how can I love the cellulite on my backside...the teeth that are now getting cavities...the heel that won't get better...the short hair that has lost its cuteness and can't hide in a ponytail? And those are just the external pieces - don't get me started on the occasional lack of self confidence that totally bums me out when I feel I've missed an opportunity to connect with someone. Yeah...Self Love is a big pill to swallow.

However, that said - I have some good news (for me at least). It seems that the concept of Self Acceptance falls on the same path that can get you to Self Love. I'd started "working" on that after my divorce last year because, after all, I was the only person I had to support me in my daily life. Okay, the term "working" isn't accurate because it was more of a natural evolution while I was contemplating some big questions like who am I, what do I like, where do I want to be, etc. Exploring those and other questions helped me get to know me better and I liked who I was (at least internally) and looked forward to knowing more.

So there I was with internal Self Acceptance, seeking more truths about my Self and once again, the natural process slowly started to reveal some insights and beliefs that unlocked the door to external Self Acceptance. Like my belief that thoughts become things, I am responsible / accountable for all things in my life, I am a spiritual being having a brief physical experience, I want to spend my time and energy on things that make me joyful, and something along the lines of if I can accept everyone else - why not give myself the gift of accepting me just as I am. Period.

Ahhhhhh, I was ten pounds lighter already! (Meaning, getting that monkey off my back felt great.) I believe it was when I got to that happy place when all the other things I'd been thinking about (like what did I want to do with my life, etc.) came to pass so quickly. Yet another example of Law of Attraction working in my life for my benefit. So that brings me to this 6 month road trip with my Mom. At this point we've been on the road for nearly one month. I haven't meditated quite as much as I'd hoped, but I chalk that up to getting used to the new lifestyle. I have, however, been doing a lot of reading and thinking - a lot of which has been pointing me back to Self. Do you know what I mean by Self? That little voice inside that often gets so neglected that we start confusing it with our human ego...the voice that comes from your soul - the part of you connected to God. In any case, when thinking about spiritual aspects of life and how my Self fits into it all - that shift from Self Acceptance to Self Love becomes a little easier. Not that it happened over night, or that I may never digress - but without a doubt I find myself appreciating a whole lot more about the internal and external me...to the point that I jokingly think I'm falling in love with my Self.

To help give you a flavor of what inspired me to start contemplating this line of thought, here are some excerpts from I Had it All the Time by Alan Cohen that I found profound:

"The word "personality" comes from the Greek word persona, meaning "mask." We may develop intricate dances between our masks and external roles, but behind all the images and appearances our inner self remains intact."

"An identity crisis is the natural result of identifying ourselves with things that change. Because we have defined ourselves as the roles we play and the commodities we own, when the outer world shifts we become confused about who we are."

"There is a fundamental difference between self-improvement and self-discovery. One proceeds from the premise that you are incomplete and need to fill a gap in your character while the other assumes you are already whole and your purpose is to know and express more of who you are. Many of us have identified ourselves with becoming rather than being."

"It is not God we are shooting toward; it is God we are shooting from. You cannot be the small person you thought you were, and know the magnificent one you are."

I choose to share this internal evolution with you, not because I think anything otherwise is wrong or unimpressive. Ha! Far from it, as this blog is more of a journal for me to remember the path I've traveled. Plus I find it very cathartic to pull back the "masks" and let my true Self be known...and certainly this is easier (and more comfortable) done at the hand of a pen than in person when someone asks, "So, how'ya been?"

Seeking My Truths

2009-10-15T20:20:00.004-04:00

When you take away all the titles bestowed upon me,

who am I?

When the should's from society are removed,

what do I want to do?

When the hustle and bustle of life is removed,

why am I here?

When I answer these and identify MY core beliefs,

how will things change?

I have long felt that there was something more for me around the corner. I think subconsciously I programmed that to be a fact and within a year I was no longer married with a mortgage to worry about, finally free to start seeking my own truths. Still, I felt stiffled and unable to feel capable of experiencing what was necessary to come to the answers I pondered. Now, without a traditional job or home - I am on a 6 month road trip to see what I can find. A modern frontiersman of sorts, like so many before me - movement and radical change feel like the catalyst needed to find my Self.

Unscheduled time to follow my bliss.

Different scenery to inspire my soul.

New experiences to shift beliefs.

Quiet time to seek clarity.

Admittedly I find myself occasionally being pulled by the things I "should" be doing, but I'm resisting them as they could derail my true intentions. Of course, if inspired as something I "want" to do - then I'm all for it (ie: following my bliss).

So here I am enjoying what I'll call an awakening a little earlier in life than some and it is full of excitement, uncertainty, possibilities, anticipation and change. Once again I feel an eminent something waiting for me in the distance and I so look forward to what it holds. I am often overwhelmed with the fullness I feel in my heart, the tears of appreciation that well up from a knowingness of love and perfection that guides me. And I try not to push it along, as I want it to come from a place of pure truth with no regrets, what-ifs, or coulda's attached. I feel so blessed with this opportunity, and in turn will work to treat it with the respect and care that accompany my gratitude.

Thank you to all that is,

Just Being Me

2009-10-12T10:50:00.002-04:00

Already I'm enjoying time with my mom. We've been on the road for nearly three weeks and its been such a pleasure both to be myself and to have someone who shares similar spiritual ideas. Wow, what a concept "being myself" is! It shouldn't be, but it is. There's really only a hand full of people that I can say I do this with. Mind you - I'm an open book with just about anyone, transparency has never been a problem - but as a Libra I've always cherished balance and don't care to push or pry my beliefs on anyone else. So while I'll share the details of my life, warts and all - I'm not so quick to share the deeper meaning that I find and seek in life.

I have my opinions as to why that is and maybe I'll get over it - but in true fashion I don't see the point in bringing up something that may be controversial. What's most important to me is that I am now seeking more like minded people because being around such individuals is energizing (vs. being around others that suck the energy right out of me). Actually I started this awhile ago and am still finding my way. I'm still getting used to the online communities and tend to prefer face to face time, however a good number of the groups I've checked out have...how do I say this nicely - extreme type of characters that I don't relate to. After all, I have lived the middle-class life and worked for the "man"...and been treated very well - so I don't jive with people that have an adverse attitude about it without any experience to speak from. I have found a number of sites and blogs that speak to me - so they've started to have that familiar, comforting feeling.

dreamahappylife.com
www.goodvibeblog.com
www.earthharmonyhome.com
www.shadesofcrimson.com
www.yes-to-me.com
blog.evolvingbeing.com
www.gigablonde.com

Maybe one day I'll meet a few of the authors :) While I continue to seek out like minded people I can relate to, I'm pleased that this road trip will provide me time to explore my thoughts with the person I most closely share views with - my mom! Since we're both still searching and have some similar life experiences - there's sure to be lots that we'll uncover, be able to discuss and compare, and form our own opinions as we find our unique truths. I simply love that we are two like minded people open to the possibilities before us. THAT my friends is the most exciting part of this trip!

Who am I?

2009-10-03T01:48:00.004-04:00

Human. Female. 36 physical years of age. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Significant other. Wife. Ex-wife. Animal lover. Dog owner. Corporate worker. Banker. Trainer. Manager. Curly hair girl. Green eyed. High school graduate. College attendee. Limited world traveler. Fast driver. Libra. Confirmed Catholic. Law of Attraction practitioner. Bikram yoga student. TUT adventurer. Easily inspired. Hurricane Katrina survivor. Loud laugher. Amateur photographer. Entrepreneur wannabe. Life enthusiast. Go with the flow-er.

There are many labels in which I've held the title to. The ones I listed above I acknowledge ;) Yet there's so much more.

Pure energy. Consciousness. Soul. Spirit. Omnipotent. Omnipresent. Rain. Sun. Earth. Water. Fire. Wind. Flesh. Atoms. Olympic swimmer. Pop singer. Ballroom dancer. Professional tapper. Actress. Magician. Genius. Pauper. Aborigine. Gypsy. Linguist. Social geographer. Cartographer. Writer. Speaker. Pure inspiration.

If we are connected to "God", whether partial or completely - are we not everything and anything? Wouldn't this mean I could tap into any part of this Universe? That in some way, even if my physical brain cannot comprehend just yet, I have access to all the intelligence, acceptance, and understanding that whatever defined higher spiritual being does?

There was a commercial maybe ten years ago in which individuals in large crowds would hold up signs that read, "I am." The idea made so much sense to me at the time - and now, at an even deeper level. So maybe the answer to the question, "Who am I?" is just as simple.

I am.

Project "Re-organization"

2009-10-03T01:47:00.001-04:00

Have I mentioned that my mother and I are traveling by RV for 6 months to see the southwest portion of the United States? We started nearly two weeks ago in Virginia and with two full days in Oklahoma City to break, we used one to make some changes. You never know what you don't know, so now that we're getting a feel for what shifts during driving...where we prefer to sit and chill...what we keep digging for and would prefer to have handy - we can work on setting things up better.

This included a host of changes, such as:

adding a lamp above my bed that won't blare in my face like the overhead
moving books in a long cabinet to the wall closest to the front of the cab (everything slides forward when driving)
switching out our summer clothes for fall (bummer to wake up to 50 degrees with only capris, shorts, or skirts to wear)
getting a metal file to fix the sticky door
improving upon our puppy fence
fastening a clock where we can both see it (we'll be changing time zones a lot, but leaving our computers on "home time")
adding a latch to the screen door that will allow us to open it easier
moving our boxes around in the basement (lower storage area) so the things we get most often are closest

I could go on, but hope you get the gist that we spent the entire day planning, shopping, and installing/reorganizing. Which got me thinking about all the times I've gotten the "project bug" and wanted to clean house. There's nothing like pulling everything out, tossing a few things, and reorganizing it all. Whether doing a whole house or just a closet, it can be very rewarding.

So how come we don't do that with our inner Selves so much? When I think of all the projects I've taken on in my adult life (roughly 15 years), I've only taken a serious look at my Self in the last year. Are you catching what I'm throwing? I don't mean my physical or intellectual self, I mean the inner soul part of Me. The part that shares the same space as God, the Universe, Allah, whatever title you have for the larger, spiritual aspect of our lives.

Whoo! Lemme tell you, it took a looooong time before I got through the layers and layers of social expectations and traditional thinking to even find my Self. I'm referring to the part of me that existed before I learned the multitude of behaviors and beliefs that were instilled, from my place in society to the notion we must work hard and then hope good things happen to why I agree to stop at red lights. Needless to say, there's been a whole lotta of "why" asking and I'm certainly not done. It's like going through your Aunt Millie's house after she spent a lifetime of collecting things just because...the sheer volume of content is paralyzing, but you start in one room and eventually a pattern emerges to help find your way. Funny, we'd never question the responsibility of going through Aunt Millie's stuff after her passing - but to knowingly go into the recesses of our minds/souls? Hmmmm...no doubt some will consider this a mid-life crisis, but not only am I no where near mid-life...I don't acknowledge this as a crisis, its more of a right of passage to a place I consider more important than were I've evolved to thus far.

I'm guessing it might be like waking up from an accident all bruised and a little broken, being reassured that while things will be okay - then walking away with the most profound appreciation for life. Not the life that I've been told I should have, but the life that divinity has given me...just me...the one that I have the power to do anything with - because it was a gift, not a guideline. Oh my, that is beyond empowering - it made me rethink everything! Why am I here doing this? What would make me happier than anything else? If we're all part of God and made in his image, then why do we carry around so damn much doubt and dismay? Why are we so eager for certain labels? Who am I really? What drives the most common desires and when I honestly ask myself, do I really want the same things? If not, then what do I want? Who do I want to be? What is my purpose?

I've got a lot of questions and feel like I'm just scratching the surface. I plan to use this blog as a place to share some of the quandaries on my mind. Who knows what this trip has in store for me in the long run, for now I'm considering it an internal reorganization of sorts. Of the many things I will find I may keep some, trash some, or share some. One thing is for certain though...it will be a trip to remember!

Rain Drops Falling on My Head

2009-09-30T23:19:00.003-04:00

I remember when rain opened up a whole other world. As a child it provided us with instant mud pie making materials, was a hoot to drive my bike in, and lets not forget the joy of jumping in a puddle to see who could make a bigger splash! Ahhh, the innocence of childhood when things were still simple enough for us to not only notice the little things but take great joy in reveling in them.

When's the last time you did something like that? Noticed something and got so engrossed in it that you had the time to soak it all up? Why do we let ourselves get so wrapped up in the chaos, so convinced that things have to be "just so" that we rule out the opportunities that present themselves for such simple pleasures?

I'm proud to say that there are a few memories from my adult life in which I was still able to capture some of that magic. Admittedly those moments weren't often enough, so I'm working on that. Still, here's a few that might give you a few ideas:

getting a magnifying glass & burning "Sara + ...." into our wooden deck
sitting on our back porch (with aluminum roof) listening to the hypnotic music of the rain
laying on grass watching creatures navigate the towering blades of grass
getting caught in a soft rain shower while riding my bike & instead of running home, slowing down - even taking the long way back just to feel it

Yes, I'm well aware that three recollections does not a inspiring story make - but they're the ones that really stand out in my memory and will be cherished forever. As for the occasional rain drops falling on my head, well I primarily grew up in the very wet state of Louisiana and have always had an affinity for storms and all that come with them. I usually have my bed against, or very near a window and have spent countless hours laying there with the window cracked so I could listen to as well as see the wonderful world outside when it rained. After childhood, I wasn't as keen to get wet unnecessarily - so this vantage point was ideal. I could still see the rain drip, mist, caress or pelt the window panes...smell the sweet, fresh, new air that rain brought with it, and watch it all change my little world right before my eyes.

So while I haven't jumped in a puddle in quite some time - next time I just might! And whether its that or some other simple observation of nature you stumble upon...I invite you to find a way to embrace and enjoy it for all its worth as well. After all, life moves fast enough as it is - why not tap the brakes now and again and enjoy those rain drops falling on your head?

Happy Birthday To Me...

2009-09-25T22:35:00.000-04:00

I love birthdays - and not just in the traditional sense of revelry (admittedly I have a strong sweet tooth and adore any kind of positive attention). I love birthdays because of what they mean to me, which include but are never limited to:

...I have had the opportunity to enjoy another year's worth of experiences

...I have the opportunity to plan out even more adventures

...I am living in a decade of my life that is totally different from the one before

...I am about to embark on or am a year closer to one of my golden years (these are ages I identified earlier in life to be of significant and wonderful importance to me...thus far I've been right every time)

To me, birthdays symbolize what most people think of on January 1st...a new year full of new possibilities. That said, at the sassy age of 36 I fully expect to:

...spend 6 glorious months with my mother on a road trip

...fly in the heavens without an engine

...touch a whale

...find answers to some big questions I have

...write a book

...start my own business

...tingle from my head to my toes with excitement and awe

In a way, those are an awful lot of birthday presents and quite frankly - the best kind :) I am so blessed...so appreciative...so thankful...and open to all that the Universe has in store for me that I cannot see just yet. Amen and Hallelujah!

Ask and You Shall Receive

2009-09-24T21:30:00.002-04:00

How many of us have heard this? How many of us believe this? Now...how many of us live by this?

This idea came charging back to me as we had a little mishap with backing the car off the tow dolly and ripped some plastic thingy almost off. It was practically dragging the ground, so I didn't want to backup - lest it get caught on something. On our hunt for a birthday lunch spot, we pulled in next to an Auto Clinic and thought we'd have'm take a look. I turned to Mom and said, "Don't worry, it'll just take a couple of screws and $5." They put it on the lift and had a look....took a mallet of sorts and started pounding on something...got a small box of something and snapped a few things in...all for - you guessed it, $5!

As someone who is attempting to live by (and continue to learn about) Law of Attraction, the way I tend to think of this is more along the lines of "thoughts become things"...generally meaning that my outlook and expectations impact outcomes. This philosophy, or concept, was instilled in my long ago when my parents were going through the d-word and as the eldest child I was in full swing of trying to care for everyone and everything (amidst the hormones of the early teen years). My mom exposed me to the Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale. I seriously doubt that I read it, as I was rebelling against any required reading from the parental units, but remember very clearly discussing the power of the subconscious mind.

Ahhhh, the power of the subconscious mind. How many of us have heard of this? How many of us believe in this? Now...how many of us live by this? Yeah, I know. There are so many things we should do, follow, abide by, etc...that I find it hard to keep it all straight. The beauty for me, though, was the exposure at an early age. The idea that our subconscious doesn't judge right from wrong, truth from lies, or the possible from the impossible was a powerful idea to me. It was a way to influence things I didn't think I had control over, a way to look beyond the present and look forward to the future. It was how I dealt with things during that turbulent time and it absolutely became part of my core beliefs. Without a doubt, it has played a part in my life every since and only in the last few years have I found a name for the spiritual sense that goes along with it. (Abraham-Hicks opened my eyes to the Laws of Attraction, Deliberate Creation, and Allowing.)

So today's $5 event was a reminder to me that we make choices all the time with the thoughts we entertain. I could've been a nervous nelly and worried that it was going to be a few hundred dollars and take a few days, but that's not my style. Instead, I decided it wasn't serious and figured we'd bump into a solution soon enough (even if it involved duck tape). My thoughts were "this isn't a big deal" and "we'll find someone to pop a few screws in and be done with it". Needless to say, Mom was on the same page with me remarking when we went to the campground office today "I'll hang out here in case I see a young man to ask about a good local mechanic so that he can tell me he'll take care of it on the spot."

Yeah, we asked and we received. Thank you Universe!

Sitting In The Dark

2009-09-19T22:47:00.002-04:00

I mean this both literally and figuratively.

I am literally sitting in my RV in the dark at a Wal-Mart. They are kind enough to lend their vast parking lots to overnighters that just need a place to park. The unspoken rules are that you don't push any slides out, run the generator, or do anything else that makes you appear to be anything than a large vehicle parked as best you can. As I am on a straight shot to pick up my mother for our 6 month adventure, I didn't see the need to pay roughly $30 for a few hours of electricity when all I need to do is eat, walk the dogs, play on the computer, and sleep. My fridge runs on propane as a backup, so I really don't need anything. Hence, sitting in the dark typing away on my Mac.

It was this literal situation that made me realize the presence of the figurative one. I don't mean to imply that I'm lost, yet I can't help feeling like I don't know what in the world I'm doing quitting my job and taking off for 6 months. Well, that's not entirely accurate - obviously there were reasons for this course of action...but every now and again I get the sense that while I was definitely led to this decision, the reasons have not all been revealed.

This may seem daunting to you, but honestly its quite exhilarating for me! If you were to ask my ex-husband how much I like anticipation, he'd no doubt recall the years of Christmas' in which I tried to delay the present opening with one excuse or another (gotta go to my mom's, my dad's, his parents, etc.). It became a joke of sorts, but the truth of the matter is that I liked the feeling that an unknown mystery was about to unfold, and I knew without a doubt it'd be sure to please - so why not enjoy it as long as possible? In our fast paced world, where we set goals and work to achieve them over and over and over again...there's something special about that which we cannot control quite as much...those things that can be influenced but not forced into compliance...that requires a little faith and allows you the time to play with them in your dreams.

This adventure and what I'm feeling at the moment is along those same lines. I have some ideas of what will come to pass, like creating some priceless memories with my mother that will fuel my life learning even further...like feeling my eyes dry out because they're wide open trying to capture everything...like the rush of starting a new business with all that it involves. Those all sound great and there's sure to be more, but honestly I really like not knowing how it will all play out yet. Any other number of possibilities could come to fruition, like writing a book (or two) that crosses demographics...like being interviewed on Ellen (who is also a big fan of her mother)...like feeling heaven on Earth when we go whale watching and end up on a raft touching one up close and personal. Okay, so some of these may sound far fetched - but don't you see, that's the best part of being in the dark - anything can happen because its not over yet!

Yeah, now that I say that - I think the best part is that I think it may take a little more than 6 months to fully unfold. Hooty-hoo! As far as I'm concerned, this is the best Christmas ever!!!

I hum a lot.

2009-09-02T09:40:00.002-04:00

Being human is hard. We enter this physical existence and quickly lose our connection to our spiritual side. What is the saying? Children are innocent until we corrupt them? Whatever it is, I think there's truth in the idea. Children don't have fear, aren't bogged down in the "should's" of societal rules, and generally just want to follow their hearts. Often times children are brought to church or are exposed to the concept of a higher being in another way, and while it may make a little sense - soon after life starts to get complicated and the challenge begins for us to stay connected to our spirituality.

You know what I'm talking about. There's a lot of commotion called life going on - like the kids needing to finish a report for tomorrow, a storm knocking out power and therefor your alarm, dogs are having accidents in the house, never ending projects at work, the bi-annual property tax bill that needs to be paid, etc. Its tough! There's a lot of plates in the air, and I'm sure we've all been there - or have even set up permanent residence!

Nonetheless I've found myself remaining more "in touch" with my spirituality side as of late and its been a wonderful respite! The inner monologue I have feels like conversations I might have with a shaman...or like getting daily doses of really good sermons. I find that I'm taking things in stride, accepting things to be perfect as they are - regardless of whether I can see why. Most importantly, I am happier in my own skin - accepting myself as-is.

All of this seems to have manifested itself into a humming extravaganza! I catch myself humming a lot now...usually songs that are familiar to me, but really whatever comes to mind. And now that I'm comfortable enough to just be me, I do it wherever and whenever! Funny how many people I surprise as I walk by sharing a little ditty on my way :)

Walking into buildings, waiting in line, driving down the street, sitting with my dogs outside - once perfect opportunities to let the mind wander over and through the continuous to-do list or current stream of worries...now a time of peace and acceptance. Now I slow down and notice what's around me, appreciate the obvious and indirect beauty (from the wind in the trees to the delivery truck bringing food to my grocery store), enjoy the feeling that everything is exactly as it should be, and I hum along the way. Its a vicious cycle really...the more I see good things, the more I feel good, the more I hum more, the more I feel at peace and in turn notice more good things.

I'm tickled by all of this because its a taste of something I've had before but lost in the daily grind of life. Now I plan on using it as a sign post to help keep me on this path. "Awareness is the first step."

So here's to our awareness, be it through humming or some other form...may we be aware enough to fully enjoy it when it's present, aware enough to know when it's not there so we can do something about it!

Just Be

2009-08-21T14:19:00.004-04:00

Anyone that knows me is at least vaguely aware of a message I've been heralding for some time. JUST BE. It's on my car, it's in my email...it's a succinct phrase, that for me sums up a lot...

accepting others as they are
moving with the ebb and flow of life
appreciating the simple pleasures
having faith

So I found it surprising when I ventured to Key West on my own (post divorce) to do some soul searching and was provided a clear message that touched on this very philosophy.

On the 5th day of my vacation I was taking another yoga class on the beach (holy cow, should ever you have the opportunity - I highly recommend). As we held our pose, I had my eyes closed so my other senses could feast (the smell of the ocean, sound of the sea gulls). On the back of my eyelids I saw a hand writing something in cursive...it was a slow and deliberate movement (nothing like how I would write!).

The words 'allow', 'release', 'surrender', 'let go' and finally 'just be' were being etched in front of me. But what made it uber-powerful was that after each word was written, the yoga instructor would use it (and after 4 days of class I knew they weren't in her normal class vocabulary). Needless to say, I got chills and felt like I was receiving some very direct spiritual guidance - so really started to pay attention!

Nothing more than that came directly, but I took the advise and right after class rented a chair and umbrella to hang out for the day. Not to read, write, take pictures, or listen to music - but to sit right there and surrender. I stayed there for hours...sometimes people watching, other times soaking in the beauty - and of course enjoying the occasional nap. Normally it's hard for me to turn of the little voice in my head - but between yoga, the stunning scenery, and of course what I deemed an important ah-ha...on this day I was able to do it easily. And - I found more and more that when I'd quiet myself for this kind of meditation (or prayer, call it what you will), further clarity would come.

So, I've been working with these words as concepts, enjoying the continued ah-ha's of how to apply them and relishing the gift I was given. That said, it didn't go unnoticed by me that one of the phrases was my favorite "just be" and it made me wonder...

was it a reminder?
had I not been living my own mantra?
why had I applied it to accepting others but not myself?
was it time to shake off all falsehoods / roles that don't reflect my essence?
could there be another Sara, somewhere deep within that was trying to be heard?

I don't have any answers, just hunches...and I've certainly made some staggering life changes (good bye corporate america, hello 6 month road trip). Even with all that, I still try to keep these ideas in the forefront of my mind and then let the rest fall into line. I am paying attention (awareness is always key isn't it?) and that's perfectly fine with me nowadays - no final answers with an action plan required. It's all good as I practice what I preach - JUST BE.

The Magic of Just 1 Year

2009-08-16T00:37:00.008-04:00

One Year Ago Today:

my best friend of 11 years asked me for a divorce
I realized that my best friend needed something I didn't have to give
I realized that I needed something my best friend couldn't give me
I entered a new chapter in my life that has been the biggest blessing yet

One Year Later I Have:

reconnected with a belief system I always had, but knew little about
asked and answered the hard questions, like "Who am I?" and "What do I want?"
grieved for the loss of my best friend and continue to work through it
left my corporate job of 15 years in the training field
purchased an RV and arranged a 6 month road trip with my mother, a woman I admire deeply
begun to research a concept that I believe I can create a service for sale around
recruited a "dream team" of like minded individuals that can support each other as they explore/take action
experienced the kindness and many that have reached out in some way to offer their condolences, support, ears, shoulders, and most importantly love

I have yet to experience a hardship that did not bless me in some way. This one is no different, except that what it offered was invaluable. For the first time in my life, I've shed many an expectation of others - which has allowed me a glimpse into the real me. Without predetermined roles, definitions, or the typical "should's" bogging me down, I've been able to be honest with my self at a deeper level and truly follow my heart.

One year later I am ready to celebrate Sara as of the right now as well as Sara and all of her possibilities!

Get Flitty With It!

2009-08-13T17:58:00.004-04:00

Last week I enjoyed a brief interaction with a butterfly while walking the boys. It flitted around us for a long time, almost to make absolutely sure I noticed it. It'd settle nearby, then flit by us and settle somewhere else...over and over and over. No matter where it landed, it didn't seem to be the ideal spot for long - so off it'd go again in its search for whatever makes butterflies happy.

As I watched the butterfly change its mind repeatedly, the idea of seeking balance came to mind. Needless to say, finding balance has been a topic of serious contemplation for me as of late. I've found it to be quite the complex concept, as it means so many different things to different people - and envelops nearly everything we do. There's work/life balance, parent/spouse balance, body/mind/spirit balance, spend/save balance, even carbs/protein/fiber balance! Seriously though, the beauty of balance is that when you strike it - everything is becomes so easy. Not just easy, but there is an undercurrent of harmony that feels good to your very core.

As I contemplated how we are forever reworking ourselves to find this elusive thing called balance, the butterfly came back to mind. I don't think it matters that we flit around looking for it, I don't think that what works once is going to remain the solution for the rest of our lives, and I certainly don't think we should judge or beat ourselves up about changing our approach as needed.

We humans like to put things in boxes and label them. I don't know why exactly, though suspect it has to do with comfort. Pitty...I think life would be more fun and vastly more interesting if we'd allow ourselves the gift of flitting around more :)

Me...version 3.0

2009-08-05T12:53:00.009-04:00

"I love that I can reinvent myself." That's what I used to tell myself when I'd be going to yet another high school (four total) and while it was in fact true, I was still too young and unaware to take full advantage of it. But now at 35 - well, watch out because it's actually happening on purpose this time and I think this version is going to be pretty awesome if I do say so myself!

The idea of self versioning begs a few questions. How did I get here? What versions came before? Of those, what stays and what goes? And does everyone else go through this or am I some kind of anomaly? (The latter I seriously doubt.)

Let's start at the beginning with version 1.0 - childhood. It's this point in life where we are told who we are, both directly and indirectly. We learn a lot of societal rules that encompass our economic status, our intellectual ranking, and generally our place in the crowd. As infants our world extends no further than our hands and feet, as young children its hardly beyond our home, school, and friends' houses. Nope - we don't see the big picture; what you see is what you get. That's cool by me, I have no complaints - just find it interesting as I look back on how much I was defined by others and how easy it was to drink the koolaid. So be it, that's been an important foundation for future versions and if asked - I wouldn't change a thing.

Shift gears to version 2.0 - early adulthood. This is where I took how others had defined me, added a few ideas of my own, and set out to prove who I was. Like many others, I did the college thing - but poorly after version 1.0 indicated I wasn't the smartest kid on the block and of course at that point I'd invested heavily in said koolaid company ;) Nonetheless, I was able to sniff out an actual career that I really enjoyed and, despite the lack of a college degree, excelled in the field to the point of eventually equalling the income of my college degreed spouse. Which brings up the obvious point, while I did seek out the traditional marriage situation (twice I dare say) - I am happy to report that version 2.0 was clear enough on the lack of maternal instincts to steer clear of kids. Other than that - and along with all the other inputs that would signal success, I had the nice house and cars, took the annual cool vacations, and managed to start significant savings for retirement without credit card debt. Yay me!

Fast forward to version 3.0 - mid adulthood. This part is in progress and started over a year ago when my inner self started asking questions like "who am I" and "what do I want." Then, as though to help speed things along, big roles that had defined me started going away and the questions got louder and louder. While some say its an ideal time for self-improvement, I say I'm done with that kind of thinking (the kind that says I'm incomplete in some way and need to "fix" things) and prefer to say I'm on the road to self-discovery. So...

version 1.0 was defined by others, since I was too young to be aware
version 2.0 was poorly defined by me at a time when all I knew was version 1.0
version 3.0 gives me the opportunity to take both versions, blend it with a much keener awareness of self, and reinvent myself with purpose and clear intentions

I suppose some may consider what I'm going through an identity crisis. Hmmmm, I prefer to think of it as serious questions and really honest answers. On the other hand, the Chinese language character for the word "crisis" is a combination of two other characters: "danger" and "opportunity" - and there is so much that excites me about this opportunity that I totally dig being a dangerous opportunist (ha, ha, ha).

Seriously though, for the first time in my life I feel as though I'm getting to know 'me', which was a bit obscure in previous translations. I hope you'll join me as I continue to carve out version 3.0. Here's to the possibilities!

Immersed in Anticipation

2009-07-30T21:45:00.004-04:00

With just one more day of "work" I'm continuously asked how I feel. Hmmmmmmm...

Like a kid the night before Christmas morning.

Like being kissed for the first time.

Like a mother soaking in the scent of her sweet new born child.

Like someone in total and complete love.

There is so much excitement and anticipation running through every cell of my being that I can hardly stand it. Seems like its been well over a year that I've suspected something big was coming...or maybe that was the self programming that helped launch this drastic change.

Regardless, here I am on the precipice of something that feels far greater than myself but that happily I get to be fully immersed in. In my mind's eye I stand on a cliff, wide-eyed with a fluttering heart and teary eyes...simply stunned by the awesome sight in front of me.

Words seem like feeble attempts to describe this, so just think of the happiest moment of your life...close your eyes and take a deep breath...relish the memory...and you're there with me.

Here's to all the spectacular moments of our lives, but more importantly our ability to relish them!

Shift in Perspective

2009-07-02T09:30:00.002-04:00

I've long enjoyed a stolen moment here and there looking at mother nature. As luck would have it, my apartment has a wonderful view for just such occassions...there are birch and crepe myrtle trees outside my windows and it all overlooks a manicured lawn and nice pool. So whenever I need a little connection to the world outside, I sit on my porch and enjoy.

Today I was walking the boys and as I came around the bend opposite my apartment I was struck by how stunning things looked from the other side. Now, normally I'd slow down to a meander in order to appreciate it...but today a breeze was blowing, the temperature was lovely, the sky was blue - and I thought a shift in perspective would do me good. So the boys and I stopped, I plopped down on the sidewalk, and we enjoyed a good 10-15 minutes of what felt like being in the presence of perfection.

As I sat and enjoyed, I got to thinking how beneficial a different view can be. In this case it felt as though it represented the choice I've made to leave corporate america and wonder out on my own, but don't we have the option on a regular basis to take a new approach? Isn't that what Dr. Steven Covey talked about with Shifting our Paradigm? Or maybe that's what the saying, "Things look greener on the other side?" is referring to. I certainly don't have all the answers but I enjoyed thinking about it.

Especially since my foot and wrist have been acting up and yesterday a coach asked me, "If your foot and wrist could speak - what would they be trying to say to you?" I knew what my foot would say - "Slow down!" but my wrist was a bit more elusive until today. The message came loud and clear..."Let go."

So for me that's what an innocent shift in perspective can offer - answers to outstanding questions. Now I look forward to learning the lesson put before me and as I work through it, I'll be looking for other opportunities to look at things through different lenses. Here's to us all doing that now and again!

The time is drawing near...

2009-06-05T08:48:00.003-04:00

...for me to exit stage left, walk away from the corporate life that has actually treated me very well, to shed the role I've held for others and take on the most important one for myself...

...for my daydreams to evolve from what I see on the back of my eyelids that make me smirk to the ones I can take pictures of and share with the world...

...for me to walk my walk based on my beliefs - the ones that have always given me what I've asked for even in the oddest of ways...

...for me to head west into the song I've often belted out loud:

WIDE OPEN SPACES by the Dixie Chicks

who doesn't know what i'm talking about

who's never left home, who's never struck out

to find a dream and a life of their own

a place in the clouds a foundation of stone

many precede and many will follow

a young girls dream no longer hollow

it takes the shape of a place out west

but what it holds for her she hasn't yet guessed

she needs wide open spaces

room to make her big mistakes

she needs new faces

she knows the higher stakes

she traveled this road as a child

wide eyed and grinning she never tired

but now she won't be coming back with the rest

if these are life's lessons, she'll take this test

she'll need wide open spaces

room to make her big mistakes

she needs new faces

she knows the higher stakes, she knows the higher stakes...