Winter Wonderland or Black Hole?

I know that winter can be a wonderland of sorts, sometimes full of beautiful snow or the twinkling of white lights. I've had those kinds of winters, but this year winter has been unusually dark for me. I don't mean in the literal sense, although that is a fact of the season...no - I mean inside my head and heart. And anyone that knows me will tell you that's unusual. I pride myself on being a bit of a Pollyanna of sorts, always seeing the bright side of things - admittedly often feeling really connected to God/source/spirit and sensing the perfection of the big picture even when I may not have it in sight. I like that Sara. Sigh. She's not been around as much lately.

Instead I've been plagued with financial worries, to the point of choosing between paying my bills and having gas and food. Ug, it's been a LONG time since I've stood in these particular shoes and quite frankly they pinch. Let me be clear, I'm not sharing this for pity or donations - quite the opposite, its been something I've been hiding from most. But being the transparent person that I am, by not sharing anything - I felt as though I'd been flat out lying and that hasn't felt good either. Plus, I felt like a total failure. How can someone who spouts the immense power of one's own mind to influence circumstances let herself get to this point? Shouldn't someone who's long been aware of the concept that "thoughts become things" and even lived it first hand have a better grasp on how to turn things around in a flash? Needless to say, I've been enjoying a heaping helping of self loathing as a side dish to the already full plate of worry that I'd been feeding myself. (Interestingly enough, you'd be surprised how good they taste.)

Oh sure, I'd get myself up for a little bit - finding ways to get back to that big picture...to that internal knowing that I'm cared for and everything will be alright. But then I'd be at the grocery buying my rice and tuna, see something I wanted and the thoughts of not having enough money would come rushing back in. And just for the record, I'm not talking about extravagant things - more like body wash (which isn't as important to me as food when I have a full body of hand soap that will work just fine)...or even just a coke (who needs that when water is free). Yuck.

Now, as a Libra I tend to waffle when not in a confident place, so in addition to my horrible mental diet I was also experiencing vertigo of sorts with all the thoughts flip flopping around my head like...

me: "Ah-ha! This is your own self fulfilling prophecy since you put out to the universe more than once the idea that you'd get down to your last $50 before the business would start bringing in money."

other me: "Oh yeah? If that was true then how come I've been down to my last $50 multiple times and if it hadn't been for generous family members willing to cover immediate needs along the way, well - let's just say my living arrangements would be significantly different."

me: "Don't worry, just don't give in - you have to show the universe that you have total faith - so keep acting 'as-if' and things will catch up to meet you."

other me: "Girlfriend, it is time to get a friggin job...how about Raising Cane's - love the company, love the food, and can probably be able to eat for free when on the clock!"

Oh the voices! In essence, it seems as though my core beliefs and even the conviction behind my business endeavor has been tested at every turn. Not fun. An important part of the transformation process going on? Maybe, but still not fun. What did I do wrong? I mean, geeze - I started my 6 month marketing class in July, hired a product specialist in September, have leveraged multiple accountability partners, had gone to a couple of business seminars (and realized I had some fear issues) and so on. Yet as the end of the year approached there was no website, no business cards, no facebook page, no list to send my newsletter to and certainly no sales. Ug...shall I go back and double check that I'm doing all the steps? I was exhausted, sleeping longer and the only way I was engaged with my life was to worry about it all.

Then I heard someone say, "Don't give into the illusion" and for whatever reason - that spun me around in a split second. It reminded me that I don't have to give in to others' expectations of what I should or have to do in order to be successful. It also reminded me of one of my own core beliefs, that we're not just human beings here for a random experience and then *poof* its over. These reminders helped me reconnect to the ideas that:

• I don't have to have it all figured out, just have to listen to and follow where spirit leads me
• I don't have to have a big list of followers to start selling
• I don't have to have line of sight to all the things I want, just clarity and faith

That's right damnit, I get to pick my story (what I believe and accept)! So while I have certainly done my fair share of floundering, I am very proud that I have not given up nor changed my beliefs to accommodate this recent challenge. Which leads me to...drum roll...the good news about this dark black hole!

1. I have asked for help like nobody's business...a bit of a first when it comes to such substantial requests - AND I've gotten good at accepting help (keep reminding myself that people feel good when they give, so how dare I take that away from them).
2. I was able to manifest a trip to NYC to visit friends and another to DC to attend a business event by putting it out there that I wanted to go but didn't have the funds myself (insert generous friend for the first trip and unexpected free ticket for the 2nd - plus another generous friend that housed and fed me while there).
3. I've asked myself some really big questions, like "If this is so important to you, why do you keep putting up obstacles like having to have a website or business cards before you start sharing what you're doing? What are you afraid of?" Good ones, don't you think? More importantly, I finally got real with myself and actually thought about and answered them. (Amazing how liberating that was. Once I said it out loud, I finally felt I could start to do something about it!)
4. I'm finding my way back to what I know to be true...

I attract what I focus my thoughts and feelings on. It's a vicious cycle really. If you've ever known someone that always seems to have bad luck, they're in that cycle. Same thing for people who always appear to have great luck all the time. That's why I've always gotten what I wanted. Even when things weren't so 'easy' - in hindsight I can see how they always led me to what I wanted. Which is why I think it took me so long to recognize what was happening lately and by not seeing it for what it, was I couldn't make any course corrections. Until now!

I can redirect and control my thoughts. Again, while I knew this logically I just didn't realize what was happening...that I allowed my thoughts to go down the drain lately and the centrifugal force was strong enough that it took me down with them and brought me plenty more of the same! (To be clear, I haven't been stewing in doom and gloom - but if you were able to weigh my thoughts, the negative vs. positive ones, the negative ones were more frequent and literally came with a heavier feeling. Hmmm, maybe that's where the saying "carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders" comes from.) So when one a negative thought came up, I would talk to it out loud (somehow that made it stronger than the piddly little thought) and ask myself questions that redirected my thinking.

Nobody can make me feel bad except me. This was usually the feedback I got from my mother after having poked my sister and defended myself by saying she made me mad: "Your sister can't MAKE you do or feel anything Sara." It's much easier to understand this as an adult and yet so few people really grasp that how we feel is a choice. Think about it...we have the ability to change how we feel and if we can change them, we control them, and if we control them we can choose them. If you doubt that you can change how you feel, consider this...you and I are in a car driving down the road together; it's a beautiful day and we're just having a great'ole time; then we spot an animal that was recently hit by a car and is dead on the side of the road. You could choose to feel bad, thinking of how it happened and wondering if it's a momma with little babies somewhere. I on the other hand could choose to feel neutral, remembering that I believe everything is part of spirit...that spirit is made of only good...therefore while I may not understand the big picture this too must be good in some way. Hence, we can choose how we feel and if we aren't up to that advance level we can always put on some music that lifts our spirits, or stand up, smile, and clap our hands, or write in a gratitude journal, etc., etc.

I have everything I need inside...meaning my answers, my future clients, money for my bills and everything else I need right now can be accessed if I get quiet and let spirit move through me. I'd lost my way and have been working overtime trying to force the how's (I need this book to find my answers, I need a list of contacts to find my clients, I need so-and-so's check to pay my bills). Instead I just need to be clear in my mind with what I want and then let go and listen. I could also say it differently, like "Where there's a will, there's a way." or "Take off your blinders." or "Get out of the box." They're all talking about finding a new perspective and insinuate that by looking at it differently we can find that new perspective and change things for the better. In my mind that ties directly to my belief that everything is part of spirit...that at a sub-atomic level, everything is made of the same energy and its just the vibration that determines how the matter gets put together...which means I am connected to everything that is - to spirit - to the omnipotent...that should I allow it, a new perspective could come to mind through spirit. So how could I not have what I need? Oh I have it alright...just gotta turn off the voice of the other me to hear it ;)

Reunited with my truths, I had the first normal day in a long time...and then another and another (we're up to 3!). Boy oh boy oh boy has that ever felt good! I've been waking up happy, feeling lighter, and looking forward to good things coming to pass. On my first good day I had such a good visualization session going on that I went with it for 45 minutes! Then I happily made some lists of things I needed to take care of, I didn't get crazy mad when the boys barked at a cat passing by, and I even went to Panera Bread to work and didn't have issues when I went to order something (instead of freaking on the money, I approached it with my ability to choose - I could choose a full meal and spend more money if I wanted to, but really just wanted a drink with caffeine to get me going). If that wasn't enough for day one, that evening I got a call from so-and-so (who's large check I've been waiting for with great angst and who I had chosen not to call them because it seemed like an act of desperation yet again and I was done with feeling that way) - and they reported having looked into the situation and expected it to be resolved within a couple of days. Great. Awesome if it is, and fine if its not (still hasn't as of writing this, but I still don't care because I know in the grand scheme of things I'll still be okay). Ahhhhh, finally I'm feeling comforted by my thoughts instead of trapped by them. Somehow my thoughts had become totally disconnected from my beliefs, but now that they've been patched back together I'm firing on all cylinders again. Woohoo!!!

So while winter certainly started in a black hole, I have managed to find my way by lighting a candle and as everyone knows, darkness cannot exist where there is light.

Wishing you light,

Sara

Who are you deep inside?

I have a secret. I'm not who you think I am. There is so much more to me than I've ever exposed to anyone...even to myself. True, I have a lot of similar characteristics to this other woman I speak of. Still, it brings tears to my eyes as I contemplate the greatness that seems locked inside, for I'm not convinced I can find the right key to set her free. I get glimpses of her now and again, which equally comforts and frustrates me. At times I remain in awe of her and then I look in the mirror and wonder where she went. As such, it's hard to articulate her in full but I sense a profoundness underneath this exterior. I see bits of pure love where no judgement exists for anyone else nor herself...where she embodies her personal values at a such a level I can only relate it to that which I've seen in movies. She has an incredible depth of knowledge, confidence, ability, and grace. I love her. I admire her. I aspire to be her. And yet here is the quandary - I am her already. She is me, I am her, we are one. I heard a powerful insight recently that I instantly knew it to be true and it scared me. It goes something like this...

• We come from spirit, therefore we are connected to all that is, was and will be.
• So it holds true that we arrived as a perfect and complete being.
• The only thing that holds us back is our awareness.
• Our awareness expands with every year of life and new set of experiences, which slowly reveals ourselves to us in a way that our human perspective considers "learned" growth (very logical).
• Yet, as a spiritual being I had it all the time. I just wasn't aware of it.

This means I am the the person I get fleeting glimpses of...I possess a deep well of knowledge, confidence, ability and grace - should I allow my awareness to bring it into view. That feels like the million dollar question. Do I have to accumulate, achieve, and receive the accolades of the mature me before I can acknowledge her...or by seeing myself for what I am will I be able to accumulate, achieve, and receive accolades? Further more - is that what my more evolved self would even care about?

I am sincerely intrigued with the idea of letting this "woman" as I see her loose. What wouldn't we all give to have the knowing we do right this moment in our 20s? And are we willing to give that in order to expedite our current internal wisdom of sorts so that we can have our future perspective now? I imagine my life would turn upside down in all the right ways if I have my 50-something year old mind in my current late 30-something year old body and life! What would I say different, do different or think different? Would I have more zest for life, be more honest with myself and others, would I even give a shit about what anyone else thinks?

So my secret is out. I'm not who you think I am. There is so much more to expose, both to myself and anyone out there listening. With a deep breath and loving heart I invite her to come out and play...to help me live my possibilities to their fullest.

I invite you to do the same, maybe our inner selves would like to play together :)