What do I want?

I've been working on getting crystal clear with what I want and with the upcoming new year - thought now would be a good time to share what's happening on that front...

A law of attraction coach I follow put out a short e-book sharing a few of her manifestation stories (Adventures in Manifesting). One that I naturally gravitated to had to do with when she was getting ready to break from corporate america and open her own coaching business. Here's the excerpt I can't get out of my head:

Even though I'd been studying and playing with deliberate creation for a while, I believed the experts I'd hired to train me that:

- Most coaches fail. Period.

- Even if you were lucky enough to build a practice, it would take 12-18 months to do so.

- And even if you were lucky enough to build a full time practice, which most aren't, but even if you were, you weren't likely to make more than $30 grand a year.

Now that scenario sucks, but I believed it hook, line and sinker because these were industry experts, the largest coach training program in the country, who wanted to make sure we trainees were realistic about the challenges - and unlikelihood - of becoming a successful coach...

Thankfully, my mentor coach called me on it. "Who told you that?!" she blurted out, when I told her I knew not to quit my day job because it would take over a year to build a practice.

"Duh," I thought to myself. "Only the biggest coach training program in the country." What kind of stupid mentor coach did I hire if she didn't even know how hard it was to build a coaching practice?! Sheesh! I explained to her exactly what the experts told me, which was that most coaches fail. And even when you succeed, it isn't all that pretty.

"Is that what you want?" she asked incredulously. (As if I were wishing the plague on myself.) "Well, no..." I hesitatingly answered, wondering if it was a trick question. "Then what do you want?" There was a bit of silence on my end while I realized I hadn't considered that. I'd been told what to expect, I hadn't thought about what I would prefer...

"If I could pick anything?" Well, if that were the case, I'd say "a full time practice in one month..." And that's when I remembered - thank you, dear mentor coach - that it is that simple. I pick what I want. The Universe takes it from there...

And that's what deliberate creation is - choosing something that feels like a big stretch, outside our current believe system, and bringing something "impossible" to life.

(p.s. - Jeannette had a thriving business in just three months)

Ug! How many times have we accepted what we were told hook, line, and sinker? Why do we accept someone else's limitations so readily? What's wrong with asking ourselves what we really want? Of course that requires some honesty on our part, too...no point wishing for something that is in conflict with something else (like winning the lottery when you think all rich people are shallow).

The key point I got from Jeannette is to recognize when we're living out someone else's story instead of our own. We are the authors of our stories and therefore can craft it to fit us - not the other way around. While I've had a few successes in the past, this is still an area I'm working on - getting clear on what I want regardless of what I'm told to expect. Below are a few examples from my past and present about the limitations society indicates I should live in - and the story that I wrote / am writing.

"You can't get a good job with a decent salary without a college degree."

...Why not? (Thankfully my indignation helped me rise to the equivalent earning power of my significant other, who held a bachelor's degree - oh, plus a significant bonus.)

"Welcome. FYI, this company doesn't give out exceptional ratings very easily so don't be disappointed if you don't get one."

...Ha, ha - you don't know me but thanks for the warning. (I went on to receive the highest marks after my first year in a very competitive environment, on a very talented team.)

"Congratulations on your rating, but just know that I've never seen anyone able to repeat that two years in a row."

...Ha, ha - you don't know me but thanks for the warning. (Wait, what was it I couldn't achieve again? Yeah, that's what I thought - nothing!)

"You shouldn't use your retirement account to live off of while you galavant around the country."

...Um, yes I can - its my money and there's no price tag for having the memories from this road trip to enjoy the rest of my life!

"You can't start up a business and make any money without working harder than ever before."

...I intend to see profits within the first 3 months, to replace my previous salary within the first 6 months - and do it all easily while having fun to boot!

"You don't know it all and can't expect to find partners to work with you for free to start up your business."

...Why not? Plenty of people have found themselves both out of work, searching both for something that speaks to their heart and fills their days. Plus, I'm a total joy to work with and for - we'll create ideal jobs and a company for ourselves, then be sweetly rewarded for it!

"Owning property is a risk for anyone right now, much less for someone who wants to travel so much."

...No worries, I plan on owning at least four condos across the country in the next four years - then I'll be going international.

Clarity on what I want for myself is the first step. "Ask and you shall receive." can't begin without knowing what I want to ask for. My spirit guides can't conspire on my behalf until I give them a little more than "I want to do something I love and make enough money to be comfortable."

These ideas aren't foreign to me, but the one thing I hadn't considered was how I might be shaping what I want with the unfounded beliefs of others. Seems this is easiest to do when it has to do with something I'm not totally comfortable with, like starting a new business. So, thanks to Jeannette I now know that won't be a problem cuz I'm all over this (in a good way). Here's to thinking outside of the lines while remaining true to our hearts!

Confessions of a Lost Gypsy

I have to fess up to something. I suck. Okay, not really since I believe all things come in their own time - but that's how I feel at the moment.

I have not maintained the integrity, much less the frequency, of the content on this blog. The intention was to track my inner journey, the thoughts inside, the good and bad...to find, try, and share any methods I encountered as I physically drove across the country. Why haven't I been able to maintain that intention? There are a few reasons, but without a doubt the biggest has been the fear of being judged as a weirdo, nut case, or generally dismissed as yet another corporate possibility who couldn't handle the stress. Hey - I'm no fool and realize that my beliefs, while growing in vague familiarity are still not mainstream.

Nonetheless, a big part of the trip was to do some soul searching and I figured I should take advantage of anything that might catch my attention along the way. Whether that was chanting in the moonlight, talking to horses, having my astrological charts drawn up, partaking in a Native American ritual, connecting to my spirit guides, or simply asking those I meet how they've come to find themselves where they are now - the idea is that I was on a bit of a quest for me.

While I was open to trying such things and have actually participated in a couple of them, I've been reticent in sharing. That's not honest and it doesn't feel good. A woman I met along the way described how she used to think one thing, verbalize something different, and have yet another feeling in her gut. She found a lot of relief when she was able to sync all three areas to match her singular truth. That made a lot of sense, so my next few blogs will be a recollection of some of the experiences I've enjoyed along the way.

Clearly the content won't be for everyone and that's okay - we are all on our own journeys and I completely respect that. Still, this is something I need to do...something I need to share. You on the other hand can chose not to read. Either way, I believe we draw to ourselves that which we can benefit from - so I plan on laying it all out there for you to pick from, regardless of what you may think or how uncomfortable it may feel to me because in the end I think there's an underlying lesson for me and quite frankly that's more important to me right now.

Huh. Maybe that last part is the first lesson ;)

Letting Go

The first time I received the message I was in Key West, March of 2009. I'd gone there for a vacation alone, renting a room at a stunning home off Elizabeth Street in the ritzy part of the little town - not far from Duval Street. It was advertised as a Law of Attraction vacation where other like minded individuals would be. Turns out I was the only border that week, which was fine with me because I'd brought a lot of books and spent a lot of time meditating and such. One "such" happened to be taking a yoga class on the beach. It was awesome. I'd ride my bike across town to the state park, was let in earlier than the public for this class, joined other people under a canopy of trees and we followed along. The instructor changed it up a bit every day and on Thursday morning used a type that leveraged our gravity...so we'd get into a comfortable pose (believe it or not!) and then stay there for 5 minutes. It was extremely relaxing, what with the small waves crashing 20 feet away and all. So there I was minding my own business, holding my pose with my eyes closed, when I started seeing handwriting on the inside of my lids. It was the kind of cursive children are taught, which meant I knew it wasn't mine! It was slow and deliberate and what gave me chills is that after a word was written, the instructor would just happen to use it. You'd better believe I quickly started paying attention! The words were: allow, release, surrender, just be and let go. Not wanting to lose the apparent connection I had with a higher power, I didn't leave that beach for another four hours. I rented a chair and umbrella and sat there with pen and paper...trying to keep my mind quiet and jotting down any thoughts that came to mind. It was a powerful day that helped shape the events of my life very quickly and not one that I'll ever forget.

Fast forward to June after I'd announced my resignation and started down a path I didn't think I turn back from. I hired a Law of Attraction life coach to help me through what I fully expected to be an uncertain, maybe even turbulent transition. Great decision on my part by the way, without a doubt her insightful assistance drew out my deepest desires, confirmed the actions I was taking, identified my fears, and helped me find the power within to get where I wanted to go. During one of our conversations I mentioned an ailment I was having, specifically pain in my wrist that started in February and hadn't improved with the basic care I was giving it. Believing what I do about the connection between our body, mind, and spirit - I asked my coach for guidance so I could figure out how I'd manifested it and what I needed to do to make it go away. She suggested I look into Louise Hay's work around self healing. I did and Louise contends that the dis-ease we feel in our bodies is often times a message from our higher selves (remember the body, mind, spirit connection - well the body was hurting, so the idea is to ask the mind and/or spirit what's going on). According to Louise, my wrist issues had to do with lack of movement and ease. Made sense. After all, I was in the process of leaving a 15 year career...something I'd never done before and was certainly treading on unknown territory. I discussed it with my life coach and then meditated on it, receiving the message to let go. Huh...let go of what? The divorce was final in February and I was cool with everything...maybe let go of my fears? At a loss and in pain, I ended up seeing a hand specialist and got a cortisone shot that he said would do the trick. Thanks doc!

Fast forward to December - by which time I'd left corporate america, gotten rid of a lot of stuff, moved out of my apartment, and was halfway through the big trip...surely anyone on the outside could see how much I'd let go of! Unfortunately, I was still having pain but now in both wrists. In the meantime, I'd continued to explore the underlying concepts around Law of Attraction. I'd read or am still reading books such as Biology of Belief, Anatomy of the Spirit, Unconditional Life, and Finding Your Own North Star. I was beginning to understand the energy within our body, how it impacts us when it gets out of whack and the various ways it can be realigned for optimal health...which led me to researching acupuncturists (after all, it is California). In addition to reading, I'd also peruse the various blogs online dedicated to similar topics and found a course that sounded interesting: Spirit Guide Coaching. Long story short, the idea is that we have guardian angels (spirit guides, hunches, whatever you want to call it) and that by learning to communicate better with that entity (pay attention to the hunches, notice when an idea pops in your head that wasn't yours, etc.) we can enjoy a more balanced life (including finding that elusive life purpose). The reason I mention this last bit is because the homework I was given after my first of six sessions was to get in touch with my body...increase my already sensitive nature so that I could better recognize variations in how and where I feel things. Step one was to "get in touch" with a body part that's currently sensitive. Great - I'll work my wrists! I did the breath work to find a calm state, I gave appreciation for my wrists (after all, I can't do simply things like put on my bra without them - they're wonderfully flexible and awfully strong for such a small joint), and finally I asked for guidance on the lesson they may be trying to convey. What did I hear? You know...let go. Geeze, this was the 3rd time I was hearing this message and I still didn't understand - so in earnest, I asked for more clarity.

A couple of hours later I was listening to a mix on my iPod. An unfamiliar song came on, The Hardest Part by Coldplay, and just before I could hit fast forward a verse came on that stopped me in my tracks: "the hardest part was letting go and not taking part." Oooooohhhh, that shifted my perspective immediately. Finally something to start the wheels moving so I can live up to whatever it is I'm supposed to be letting go of! Hmmmm, so maybe it doesn't just have to do with removing myself from a situation - maybe it has to do with not allowing its essence to continue to be present in my life. This led me to start wondering whether or not:

• I'm over my divorce (do I still miss pieces parts?)
• I'd only let go of corporate america on the outside and not on the inside (side note: two days before I was browsing for jobs on Monster and not feeling good about it)
• I had deep beliefs about not being able to work for myself and be successful (the only success I've ever known job-wise was by working for someone else)
• I've been talking the talk but not yet walking it (saying it and believing it isn't always the same as living it and while it may seem I'm walking the walk just by means of this trip - there's still a lot of doubt traveling with me on what happens upon my return)
• I've been trying to do new things the old way, instead of doing new things a new way (clearly habits die hard)

So, in an attempt to help myself let go of all limiting beliefs...using a common law of attraction technique to reinforce what I know to be true so that it will help me pave the way for my future state...let me clearly say:

• I am really and truly a very happy, currently single, woman.
• I want and will be an entrepreneur with my own business that is mobile enough for me to continue traveling.
• I have succeeded in every professional path I've tried, no reason that should change just because I'm working for myself.
• I do not have to do things the same way I'm accustomed to them "just because" - I will create fun, new ways.
• I have a long list of success stories in my life that I later discovered aligned perfectly with Law of Attraction; being on new ground only means I'll have new success stories to add.
• I am a wildly creative person who can achieve new things using totally unique approaches and will have a blast doing it!

There. That's how I honestly feel. My next steps are to remain aware of my thoughts and how my body feels. While I am still learning to pick up on them, I do believe they will alert me to any issues I need to address further.

This is me...wanting to let go of that which no longer serves me, ready to embrace something new...signing off for now.

Life Purpose

Last year I was given a gift. One I didn't realize I would be so happy with, but without a doubt its been the best gift ever. That was the time when my husband asked for a divorce. Mind you it wasn't such a great gift because I was unhappy, more that I was unfulfilled and he had the clarity to see that we were both in that space and needed to go different paths to get there.

So, nearly 16 months ago I received the gift of going solo. It was perfect timing, for I'd been wrestling with wanting to do something different but had so many responsibilities I felt unable to take any kind of leap. With the time and space I was granted, I took very seriously the opportunity to figure things out...things like my life purpose. This has been no small feat, since there's no textbook answer on what it should be or how to determine it. There are a lot of opinions on it and I'm a libra - so I can jump sides pretty easily. That meant step one would be to do some initial research on the topic.

Some would say your life purpose is to do the work of God. Many have begun to shun the word religion and would say its to discover your own spirituality / connection and then life a good life accordingly. Still others would say the purpose of life is to live a full one. I say its to just be you - the real you, which admittedly does require soul searching of some kind. I'm still in the process and who knows, maybe its a life long pursuit. One thing I'm starting to wonder is whether or not we make it harder on ourselves than it needs to be. Of course, some parts of the journey have been fun - like my law of attraction vacation to Key West, quitting my job and taking a 6 month road trip :)

Other parts have been more on the interesting, eye opening level. In my search for what feels like the holy grail - I've hired a life coach, read the gamut of books and blogs, made lists, tried to uncover limiting beliefs, gone to energy healers, studied some eastern beliefs around the body-mind-soul connection and chakras, talked to intuitives, tried to understand the biological and quantum physics that play into spirituality and enlisted the help of a spiritual guidance counselor of sorts. I've also tried to find quiet time to be quiet and listen, I've asked questions right before going to sleep asking for answers, I've used my pray rain journal to spark future possibilities, I've made a bucket list, I've used the 5 why's method when asking myself what makes me happy and then analyzed it all to look for themes that may hint at my life purpose. I'm not sure if you get my drift - but I've been exploring a lot!

All that said, here's where I'm at now. I know that my life purpose involves travel, freedom, and sharing. Without a doubt those are precious values to me that repeatedly show up in my dreams and thoughts. What I don't know and am struggling with now is how to apply those in what I do for a living. That's the million dollar question - lemme know if you have the answer, I'll do what I can to settle up with you ;)

On one hand I'm sure you've heard sayings like, "Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life." I and many others have translated that to mean figure out your life purpose and then do it for a living. Well, I'm starting to wonder if it works that way. In my 15 years in corporate training I was quite happy the vast majority of the time, but I can assure you that working for a financial institution isn't anywhere in my life purpose. I read a blog by Anna Conlan recently that discussed this very issue and helped me consider a middle ground. She suggests that our life purpose is expressed in three ways: at our soul level (deepest desires), in our personality (likes and dislikes), and what we do (job, hobbies, relationships). She further expands on them to say that by paying attention to clues, we can find ways to further incorporate our life purpose into daily activities. What I took from it was that we don't have to kill ourselves trying to create a perfect marriage between job and life purpose...it doesn't have to be an all or nothing situation. We can know our life purpose, see it reflected in our personal preferences, and tweak what we do to include more or different pieces of it. We can feel good that it will come through naturally in all that we do because its such an innate part of our core values. Or maybe we'll find the ideal work that is in fact that perfect marriage...I still believe in such possibilities you know.

As for me, I'm still working out how I feel about everything. There's so much information, both internally and externally, to sort out - it just takes time. I feel so blessed to have so much of that these days, as many in the corporate world know that a 40-hour week is anything but. I'm starting a 6-week teleclass in a couple of days that I plan to assist me in sorting out some of this stuff. You know, a number of people referred to my recent actions as a mid-life crisis and I took it as an insult (both because I'm no where near the halfway point and because I felt I had a better grip on my life than many others). Now that I've gotten some distance from that, I understand the reference a little better. I think part of our experience as humans will include questioning ourselves and our place at some point. Seems it usually happens a little later in life for many, maybe because they're so busy in their mid-30s with kids and such. Since I'm not on that particular train ride, I'm here now and given the avalanche of questions that has befallen me since cracking open Pandora's box - I now totally understand why its called a crisis. For the first time in my life there is a burning desire to be so honest with myself that I am willing to give up everything to find it...throw out the norms and make my own decisions for my own reasons and be damned if things have to change because of it. I am now 3 months into my 6 month trip and what I'll do when I'm "done" weighs heavily on my mind.

Regardless of where my answers take me from here - one thing I do know is that by being aware of my purpose will help ensure that my life will be LIVED...the rest will just have to fall in place behind it.

Achievements: Past, Present & Future

I suppose we humans have come so far so fast because we have some innate part of us that needs to achieve things. Whether its to impress others, ourselves, or our god(s) - it seems an inevitable part of us. When we don't achieve things, we seem to oppress ourselves with feelings of shame, blame, and outright unworthiness. I don't know why we do that but can see instances of it throughout my life as well and even as I knowingly seek a higher truth - I still have certain expectations of myself.

To that very end I'm reading a couple of books that discuss the power of emotions, the idea that they emanate from memory (good, bad, experienced, or anticipated) and that the use of visualizations can be enhanced with emotions. This is a subject that really interests me so I like playing with the suggestions they have - one of which is to find an experienced memory that brings up the type of emotions I'd like to create in my future. For example, I want to live in a tropical setting and feel awe inspired peace...so I would think of a time when I felt that same kind of peace and relive it - then flip to the desired state and visualize that possibility with the same emotion. The idea is that emotions amp up the energy around the visualization, through the law of attraction this is one technique to make that happen more precisely.

Regardless of whether or not that makes sense to you, as I started doing it the thoughts that started to come to me was "wait a minute, I've totally been able to do a, b, c - so why couldn't I do x, y, z?" Which led me to the idea that it may be worthwhile to put my constant pursuit of the next thing on pause for a moment and take count of all that I have accomplished...and I recommend you do the same. We have done so much in our lives, grown through so many trials and tribulations that I think we deserve the occasional time to celebrate our worthiness. Hopefully our respective lists will remind us of some other fundamental truths - like we are good, smart, kind, deserving, happy, accomplished, valuable, thoughtful, and powerful beings capable of so much more than we tend to give ourselves credit for. By reliving some of these undeniable truths we may in fact pave the way for more desires to come to fruition. I mean, if you'd done all that's on your already accomplished list - why can't you do what's on your wish list?

By way of example and for my own benefit, here's a list of what I've accomplished. I trust that while some may not look that impressive to you, you'll understand that the circumstances in which I did them make them proud moments in time for me and quite frankly that's all that matters anyway...

• lived through my first divorce at age 11, surviving as the eldest of three a bit wiser with the idea of what's truly important
• lived through my second divorce at age 23, holding my self worth higher than the momentary failings of a young couple
• carved out a career without a college degree, succeeding in all aspects of the training profession from facilitation to design and development to project and people management (and earning as much as my degreed counterparts)
• survived an emotional and financial onslaught thanks to mother nature, learning more about my needs, my stuff, my spirit, and fellow man along the way
• learned to give and reciprocate true love, including the most unconditional aspect of letting go when it was best for all
• prayed for answers to my questions, finding answers when I was able to surrender, allow, release, let go, and just be
• willed the powers that be to deliver a dream vacation in Key West (followed shortly thereafter by a request to take a 6 month road trip), proving that through desire and focus much can be achieved - including my next set of dreams!

Through it all I've witnessed how blind faith ends in clarity and appreciation, desires end up delivered, and enjoying simple pleasures result in reveling in exquisite pleasures. So while I know myself well enough to know I'll forever be on a quest for something - I'm getting better at remembering how many things I've brought into my blessed life already. I believe that will help me balance the desire to achieve more with the gratitude of what I've done thus far...further enabling faith to dominate and the powers of the Universe to best line up the how's and when's of my next great accomplishment.

"Achievements from my past have carved the achievements of my present, and together they significantly impact my future. With so many good things on my side, why worry of what's to come?" - Sarandipity