Self Acceptance vs. Self Love

As part of this physical journey I am hopeful to find some internal answers as well. The questions don't matter so much as being open and aware to potential lessons. One that has cropped up unexpectedly is the idea of Self Love. No, no - I don't mean the egotistical type...that's of no value to me - I mean the inner peace type. I think it's a lovely idea, especially for those of us that buy in to the idea that we're a piece of something much larger than any of us. Still - I don't know about you, but that phrase is often followed with a cringe when I hear it. I mean really, how can I love the cellulite on my backside...the teeth that are now getting cavities...the heel that won't get better...the short hair that has lost its cuteness and can't hide in a ponytail? And those are just the external pieces - don't get me started on the occasional lack of self confidence that totally bums me out when I feel I've missed an opportunity to connect with someone. Yeah...Self Love is a big pill to swallow.

However, that said - I have some good news (for me at least). It seems that the concept of Self Acceptance falls on the same path that can get you to Self Love. I'd started "working" on that after my divorce last year because, after all, I was the only person I had to support me in my daily life. Okay, the term "working" isn't accurate because it was more of a natural evolution while I was contemplating some big questions like who am I, what do I like, where do I want to be, etc. Exploring those and other questions helped me get to know me better and I liked who I was (at least internally) and looked forward to knowing more.

So there I was with internal Self Acceptance, seeking more truths about my Self and once again, the natural process slowly started to reveal some insights and beliefs that unlocked the door to external Self Acceptance. Like my belief that thoughts become things, I am responsible / accountable for all things in my life, I am a spiritual being having a brief physical experience, I want to spend my time and energy on things that make me joyful, and something along the lines of if I can accept everyone else - why not give myself the gift of accepting me just as I am. Period.

Ahhhhhh, I was ten pounds lighter already! (Meaning, getting that monkey off my back felt great.) I believe it was when I got to that happy place when all the other things I'd been thinking about (like what did I want to do with my life, etc.) came to pass so quickly. Yet another example of Law of Attraction working in my life for my benefit. So that brings me to this 6 month road trip with my Mom. At this point we've been on the road for nearly one month. I haven't meditated quite as much as I'd hoped, but I chalk that up to getting used to the new lifestyle. I have, however, been doing a lot of reading and thinking - a lot of which has been pointing me back to Self. Do you know what I mean by Self? That little voice inside that often gets so neglected that we start confusing it with our human ego...the voice that comes from your soul - the part of you connected to God. In any case, when thinking about spiritual aspects of life and how my Self fits into it all - that shift from Self Acceptance to Self Love becomes a little easier. Not that it happened over night, or that I may never digress - but without a doubt I find myself appreciating a whole lot more about the internal and external me...to the point that I jokingly think I'm falling in love with my Self.

To help give you a flavor of what inspired me to start contemplating this line of thought, here are some excerpts from I Had it All the Time by Alan Cohen that I found profound:

"The word "personality" comes from the Greek word persona, meaning "mask." We may develop intricate dances between our masks and external roles, but behind all the images and appearances our inner self remains intact."

"An identity crisis is the natural result of identifying ourselves with things that change. Because we have defined ourselves as the roles we play and the commodities we own, when the outer world shifts we become confused about who we are."

"There is a fundamental difference between self-improvement and self-discovery. One proceeds from the premise that you are incomplete and need to fill a gap in your character while the other assumes you are already whole and your purpose is to know and express more of who you are. Many of us have identified ourselves with becoming rather than being."

"It is not God we are shooting toward; it is God we are shooting from. You cannot be the small person you thought you were, and know the magnificent one you are."

I choose to share this internal evolution with you, not because I think anything otherwise is wrong or unimpressive. Ha! Far from it, as this blog is more of a journal for me to remember the path I've traveled. Plus I find it very cathartic to pull back the "masks" and let my true Self be known...and certainly this is easier (and more comfortable) done at the hand of a pen than in person when someone asks, "So, how'ya been?"

Seeking My Truths

When you take away all the titles bestowed upon me,

who am I?

When the should's from society are removed,

what do I want to do?

When the hustle and bustle of life is removed,

why am I here?

When I answer these and identify MY core beliefs,

how will things change?

I have long felt that there was something more for me around the corner. I think subconsciously I programmed that to be a fact and within a year I was no longer married with a mortgage to worry about, finally free to start seeking my own truths. Still, I felt stiffled and unable to feel capable of experiencing what was necessary to come to the answers I pondered. Now, without a traditional job or home - I am on a 6 month road trip to see what I can find. A modern frontiersman of sorts, like so many before me - movement and radical change feel like the catalyst needed to find my Self.

Unscheduled time to follow my bliss.

Different scenery to inspire my soul.

New experiences to shift beliefs.

Quiet time to seek clarity.

Admittedly I find myself occasionally being pulled by the things I "should" be doing, but I'm resisting them as they could derail my true intentions. Of course, if inspired as something I "want" to do - then I'm all for it (ie: following my bliss).

So here I am enjoying what I'll call an awakening a little earlier in life than some and it is full of excitement, uncertainty, possibilities, anticipation and change. Once again I feel an eminent something waiting for me in the distance and I so look forward to what it holds. I am often overwhelmed with the fullness I feel in my heart, the tears of appreciation that well up from a knowingness of love and perfection that guides me. And I try not to push it along, as I want it to come from a place of pure truth with no regrets, what-ifs, or coulda's attached. I feel so blessed with this opportunity, and in turn will work to treat it with the respect and care that accompany my gratitude.

Thank you to all that is,

me

Just Being Me

Already I'm enjoying time with my mom. We've been on the road for nearly three weeks and its been such a pleasure both to be myself and to have someone who shares similar spiritual ideas. Wow, what a concept "being myself" is! It shouldn't be, but it is. There's really only a hand full of people that I can say I do this with. Mind you - I'm an open book with just about anyone, transparency has never been a problem - but as a Libra I've always cherished balance and don't care to push or pry my beliefs on anyone else. So while I'll share the details of my life, warts and all - I'm not so quick to share the deeper meaning that I find and seek in life.

I have my opinions as to why that is and maybe I'll get over it - but in true fashion I don't see the point in bringing up something that may be controversial. What's most important to me is that I am now seeking more like minded people because being around such individuals is energizing (vs. being around others that suck the energy right out of me). Actually I started this awhile ago and am still finding my way. I'm still getting used to the online communities and tend to prefer face to face time, however a good number of the groups I've checked out have...how do I say this nicely - extreme type of characters that I don't relate to. After all, I have lived the middle-class life and worked for the "man"...and been treated very well - so I don't jive with people that have an adverse attitude about it without any experience to speak from. I have found a number of sites and blogs that speak to me - so they've started to have that familiar, comforting feeling.

• dreamahappylife.com
• www.goodvibeblog.com
• www.earthharmonyhome.com
• www.shadesofcrimson.com
• www.yes-to-me.com
• blog.evolvingbeing.com
• www.gigablonde.com

Maybe one day I'll meet a few of the authors :) While I continue to seek out like minded people I can relate to, I'm pleased that this road trip will provide me time to explore my thoughts with the person I most closely share views with - my mom! Since we're both still searching and have some similar life experiences - there's sure to be lots that we'll uncover, be able to discuss and compare, and form our own opinions as we find our unique truths. I simply love that we are two like minded people open to the possibilities before us. THAT my friends is the most exciting part of this trip!

Who am I?

Human. Female. 36 physical years of age. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Significant other. Wife. Ex-wife. Animal lover. Dog owner. Corporate worker. Banker. Trainer. Manager. Curly hair girl. Green eyed. High school graduate. College attendee. Limited world traveler. Fast driver. Libra. Confirmed Catholic. Law of Attraction practitioner. Bikram yoga student. TUT adventurer. Easily inspired. Hurricane Katrina survivor. Loud laugher. Amateur photographer. Entrepreneur wannabe. Life enthusiast. Go with the flow-er.

There are many labels in which I've held the title to. The ones I listed above I acknowledge ;) Yet there's so much more.

Pure energy. Consciousness. Soul. Spirit. Omnipotent. Omnipresent. Rain. Sun. Earth. Water. Fire. Wind. Flesh. Atoms. Olympic swimmer. Pop singer. Ballroom dancer. Professional tapper. Actress. Magician. Genius. Pauper. Aborigine. Gypsy. Linguist. Social geographer. Cartographer. Writer. Speaker. Pure inspiration.

If we are connected to "God", whether partial or completely - are we not everything and anything? Wouldn't this mean I could tap into any part of this Universe? That in some way, even if my physical brain cannot comprehend just yet, I have access to all the intelligence, acceptance, and understanding that whatever defined higher spiritual being does?

There was a commercial maybe ten years ago in which individuals in large crowds would hold up signs that read, "I am." The idea made so much sense to me at the time - and now, at an even deeper level. So maybe the answer to the question, "Who am I?" is just as simple.

I am.

Project "Re-organization"

Have I mentioned that my mother and I are traveling by RV for 6 months to see the southwest portion of the United States? We started nearly two weeks ago in Virginia and with two full days in Oklahoma City to break, we used one to make some changes. You never know what you don't know, so now that we're getting a feel for what shifts during driving...where we prefer to sit and chill...what we keep digging for and would prefer to have handy - we can work on setting things up better.

This included a host of changes, such as:

• adding a lamp above my bed that won't blare in my face like the overhead
• moving books in a long cabinet to the wall closest to the front of the cab (everything slides forward when driving)
• switching out our summer clothes for fall (bummer to wake up to 50 degrees with only capris, shorts, or skirts to wear)
• getting a metal file to fix the sticky door
• improving upon our puppy fence
• fastening a clock where we can both see it (we'll be changing time zones a lot, but leaving our computers on "home time")
• adding a latch to the screen door that will allow us to open it easier
• moving our boxes around in the basement (lower storage area) so the things we get most often are closest

I could go on, but hope you get the gist that we spent the entire day planning, shopping, and installing/reorganizing. Which got me thinking about all the times I've gotten the "project bug" and wanted to clean house. There's nothing like pulling everything out, tossing a few things, and reorganizing it all. Whether doing a whole house or just a closet, it can be very rewarding.

So how come we don't do that with our inner Selves so much? When I think of all the projects I've taken on in my adult life (roughly 15 years), I've only taken a serious look at my Self in the last year. Are you catching what I'm throwing? I don't mean my physical or intellectual self, I mean the inner soul part of Me. The part that shares the same space as God, the Universe, Allah, whatever title you have for the larger, spiritual aspect of our lives.

Whoo! Lemme tell you, it took a looooong time before I got through the layers and layers of social expectations and traditional thinking to even find my Self. I'm referring to the part of me that existed before I learned the multitude of behaviors and beliefs that were instilled, from my place in society to the notion we must work hard and then hope good things happen to why I agree to stop at red lights. Needless to say, there's been a whole lotta of "why" asking and I'm certainly not done. It's like going through your Aunt Millie's house after she spent a lifetime of collecting things just because...the sheer volume of content is paralyzing, but you start in one room and eventually a pattern emerges to help find your way. Funny, we'd never question the responsibility of going through Aunt Millie's stuff after her passing - but to knowingly go into the recesses of our minds/souls? Hmmmm...no doubt some will consider this a mid-life crisis, but not only am I no where near mid-life...I don't acknowledge this as a crisis, its more of a right of passage to a place I consider more important than were I've evolved to thus far.

I'm guessing it might be like waking up from an accident all bruised and a little broken, being reassured that while things will be okay - then walking away with the most profound appreciation for life. Not the life that I've been told I should have, but the life that divinity has given me...just me...the one that I have the power to do anything with - because it was a gift, not a guideline. Oh my, that is beyond empowering - it made me rethink everything! Why am I here doing this? What would make me happier than anything else? If we're all part of God and made in his image, then why do we carry around so damn much doubt and dismay? Why are we so eager for certain labels? Who am I really? What drives the most common desires and when I honestly ask myself, do I really want the same things? If not, then what do I want? Who do I want to be? What is my purpose?

I've got a lot of questions and feel like I'm just scratching the surface. I plan to use this blog as a place to share some of the quandaries on my mind. Who knows what this trip has in store for me in the long run, for now I'm considering it an internal reorganization of sorts. Of the many things I will find I may keep some, trash some, or share some. One thing is for certain though...it will be a trip to remember!